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Author Topic: Senior's Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-25-2015 06:59 PM                        Rated PG... Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you? Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-09-2015 01:32 PM                        Rated G... An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.....Please advise."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-07-2015 02:10 PM                        Rated G... A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-22-2016 01:13 PM                        Rated G.... An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-21-2016 12:44 PM                        Rated PG.... On the opening day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-11-2017 12:14 PM                        Rated G...... An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-13-2017 11:26 AM                        Rated G..... The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She smiled answered, 'The teeth.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-09-2017 02:09 PM                        Rated PG..... Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-24-2017 12:26 PM                        Rated G....... Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Rose, age 89), living in‘The Villages,’ are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. It's open, so Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Jacob: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you? Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-07-2017 12:34 PM                        Rated G....... While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive young female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?" "I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-22-2017 12:39 PM                        Rated PG.... Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida . They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs " Ten years later at age 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters. "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games." Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking." At age 60 they play a round of golf. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price." At age 70 they play a round of golf. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.." At age 80 they play a round of golf. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-28-2017 12:36 PM                        Rated G...... This month, I took a careful look at my wife one day, and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now, ... I have a $750,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out, find myself a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV. These old gals really know how to solve a guy's problems!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-11-2017 01:04 PM                        Rated PG..... A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-17-2017 12:21 PM                        Rated PG.... Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."  |  IP: Logged David Buckley Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 525 From: Oxford, N. Canterbury, New Zealand Registered: Aug 2004 posted 12-17-2017 08:45 PM                        Rated PG... A professor of mathematics sent this note to his wife... "My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."  |  IP: Logged

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