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Author
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Topic: Senior's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-20-2008 04:54 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 02:49 PM
Rated G...
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their upcoming Marriage, so one afternoon while out for a stroll and discussing the details of the wedding they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests that they talk to the man behind the counter.
"Are you the owner?"
The Pharmacist answers "yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharm: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medication for circulation?"
Pharm: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for Rheumatism?"
Pharm: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharm: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicines for memory?"
Pharm: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharm: "Absolutely!"
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2008 07:14 AM
Rated G
FROM THOUGHTFUL BOB
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.When you notice this,try not to yell at them.Some are oversensitive,and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, When I took "early retirement" several years ago, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact isone of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact andless criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,
Bob
[ 03-21-2008, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-21-2008 09:02 PM
Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ont.
Growing Old
Extremely elderly gentleman, maybe in his mid-90s, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the other end of bar is a gorgeous blonde, young enough to be his great granddaughter.
The elderly gent walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gent had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly - - 100%. He went back to the doc a month later, as directed, and the doctor said:
"Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The old man replied:"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants. "
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two men were talking, and one said:
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man asked: "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally asked back: "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled:
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.One student nurse found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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An older couple were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching tv, the old man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you g et me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget it?"He says: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down." she says.
Irritated, he replies:"I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream . I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks:
"Where's my toast?"
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says: "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says: "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says: "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbor:
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000 but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really!" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"12:30."
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Old Morris, 82, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you recommended, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur and be careful.'"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly: "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-22-2008 12:43 PM
Rated R Faye in Kingston, Ont.
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a
bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one
of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can
guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and
we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times and to jump up and down
several times. Then they all piped up and said,
'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
all three old ladies happily yelled in unison-------
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-03-2008 10:20 AM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
And They Ask--- Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know.
I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-30-2008 07:46 AM
Rated PG Tony in Lyme, CT.
FLORIDA RETIREMENT COMMUNITIES
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast.
The last time we saw our grand kids was on Grandchildren's Day when they were dragged down by their parents. We were living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee.
There are 3,000 lakes in Florida , only 3 are real.
It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, as there is so much going on. Back by popular demand, the feisty Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the Flight of the Bumble Bee. It promises to be quite a production with lots of singing and dancing.
This year I am not in the cast but will be standing by with the defibrillator volunteers.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.
It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Then of course, there are the visits to the doctor's and dentist's offices.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM , have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM . After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.
I put on my "Ask me about my Grandchildren" T-shirt, my mid-calf shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird special about 3 PM , but we get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, sweet-and-low packets and mints.
At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding, and the whole office goes to lunch. Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After 1/2 hour, I ignore the "Do not tap on the window" sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer and fling open the window, ready for a fight.
I lie, explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinsons. They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but I don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear Sol Lipshitz has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail him or sell the information to a foreign government?
In Florida everyone has hemorrhoids! Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for "The Vertically Challenged Over 80".� I coach their basketball team "The Arthritic Avengers".� The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or "bottom feeders" as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see one of them struggling to reach a jar of gefilte fish, I rush over to lend a hand.
After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars. They wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their food defrosts.
Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 300 clubs.
There's something for everyone. Clubs like the Kidney Donating Club, the Taliban Club, the East Meets West Club, not to be confused with the West Meets East Club, etc.
A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice?
There is no difference. They are both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard! The Italian names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snow birds that are out to impress their friends up north. I once heard someone say, "we spend our summers in the Catskills, but we winter at Villa Borghese in Delray Beach ". I have been to Villa Borghese. There are 1,200 Jews and 2 Italians!
I hope this material has been of some help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida .
I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 07-16-2008 12:32 PM
Rated R....
A six year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar, Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-24-2008 09:48 AM
Rated G
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. 'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60- year- old. 'You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!'
'Ah, that's nothin,'' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing too?'
'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'
'Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?'
I don't wake up until 7:00!!!!!
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-11-2008 06:23 PM
Rated G...
A state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.'
'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.'
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-17-2008 06:51 PM
Rated PG...
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
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