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Author Topic: Senior's Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-29-2003 06:01 PM                        Rated PG Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob. One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 10:06 AM                        Rated G "Seasoned Citizen's" New Year's Resolutions To be awake more than asleep To remember the names of my Kid's and Grandkid's To see my family... more often than my Doctor To learn a new game besides Bingo Not To say "Whipper Snapper" Not To say "In my day..." To spend more time on the computer than the toilet To learn to pronounce the names of each blasted pill I have to take To stop calling my spouse "Old Woman ... or Old Man "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 11:22 AM                        Rated G B.B. The Benefits of Growing Older(and you thought there weren't any) You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. Your back goes out more than you do. Your ears are hairier than your head. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. You're eligible to be on the Florida vote re-count team.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:39 PM                        Rated G Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:49 PM                        Rated G A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to New York City's Coney Island Hospital and took his portable keyboard along.He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell,"I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied,"I hope you get better, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 04:08 AM                        Rated PG Nan in Florida An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied,"Just a few, maybe a half dozen.I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that the pharmacist said,"That's too small a dose.That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said,"Oh,I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 03:11 PM                        Rated G Senior Ads Denny in Yonkers Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy,fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" (used to be 5'6"),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type,let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE:Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick,or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to myeight-track tapes. MEMORIES:I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION:Male,1932, high mileage,good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,valves. Isn't in running condition,but walks well.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-07-2004 01:06 PM                        Rated PG An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do,” said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. " After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2004 10:12 PM                        Rated G Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ------------------------------------------ * * * * * The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ------------------------------------------ * * * * * Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied... "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" ------------------------------------------------- * * * * * I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! ------------------------------------------------ * * * * * A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" ------------------------------**** God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. ------------------------------------------------------ * * * * * An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-27-2004 12:39 PM                        Rated G Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2004 12:14 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green. She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right. The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green." The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2004 01:06 PM                        Rated G Seniors Only - This moment is for you. http://www.angel9oh7.com/gbseniormoment.html [ 05-05-2004, 04:39 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 04:40 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont Two elderly Walmart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:02 PM                        Rated G Michele On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks." I wanted to thank the friend, but I can't. She forgot to sign the card.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:19 PM                        Rated G Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us,in your own words,what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.  |  IP: Logged

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