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Author Topic: Senior's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:30 AM                        Rated G A PRAYER AS WE GROW OLDER Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older and will someday be really old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful and not moody, helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but I want a few friends in the end. Keep my mind from the recital of endless details, give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains; they are increasing and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of other's pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility, and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memory of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. I do not want to be a saint -- some of them are so hard to live with. A sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me ability to see good things in unexpected places and talent in unexpected people, and give me, O, Lord, the grace to tell them so!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The 81-year-old Ukrainian came to the United States to visit his son. Very active despite his age,he went out daily for such long walks that sometimes his son worried that his father would get lost. The old man was unable to ask for directions in English. When he returned one afternoon after an unusually long absence, his son told him how concerned he was. The father listened carefully and then, with a grin, replied: "Don't worry, I take precautions. I wrote down the name of your street." Then he reached into his pocket and triumphantly showed his son the piece of paper on which he had neatly printed: "NO EXIT."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-21-2004 10:08 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way.I've traveled along way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,it was called witchcraft.Today it's called golf. And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2004 02:13 PM                        Rated G Just before the funeral services,the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. Then he said, "Hardly worth going home is it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:31 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:37 PM                        Rated PG After retiring,I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.The woman behind thecounter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" andshe processed my Social Security application. When I got home,I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants.You might have gotten disability too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:54 PM                        Rated G At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented. Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2004 10:23 AM                        Rated G Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ------------------------------------------ * * * * * The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ------------------------------------------ * * * * * Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" ------------------------------------------------- * * * * * I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! ------------------------------------------------ * * * * * A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" ---------------------------------------------- * * * * * God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. ------------------------------------------------------ * * * * * An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 09:16 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. SENIOR MOMENTS Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2004 08:31 AM                        Rated G Benefits of Aging A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." ----------------------------------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;do your best and just remember,if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." ----------------------------------------- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get,the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ---------------------------------------------- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -------------------------------------- First you forget names,then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:19 AM                        Rated G Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes." Jacob:"We're about to get married.Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist:"All kinds." Jacob:"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist:"Definitely." Jacob:"How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob:"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob:"What about vitamins,sleeping pills,Geritol,antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist:"Absolutely." Jacob:"You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-22-2004 05:05 PM                        Rated PG Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me . . . two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2004 08:17 PM                        Rated G A visit with Grandpa... A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:25 AM                        Rated G Growing old has one advantage: you'll never have to do it over again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 01:07 PM                        Rated G I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.  |  IP: Logged

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