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Author Topic: Senior's Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-17-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated PG... An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 02:40 PM                        Rated G Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village. A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great. They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get married. On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep. On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep. On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-26-2005 09:20 AM                        Rated G An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G RETIREES Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? A. The term comes with a 10% percent Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,attic or garage? A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Q. What do retirees call a long lunch? A. Normal Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a student going on summer vacation? A. None,summer ends but so does the other time frame, eventually. Q. What is the best way to describe retirement? A. The never ending Coffee Break. Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A. If you cut classes,no one calls your parents. Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 07:50 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers "Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot: At sporting events,during the playing of the Star Spagled BANNER,Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II,Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-53-55,The Cold War,the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam, If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have moral courage.They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren. It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police,but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers! You don't all qualify but I wanted you to know more about us and our oddities.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 09:22 AM                        Rated G An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed. A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked. "Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia." The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him. "I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?" "A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?" "To treat you for the trouble with your hands." "But, I have no trouble with my hands." "Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket." "Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 11:18 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers, NY Getting Old 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. except when posted on www.film-tech.com  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 07:07 AM                        Rated G GAMES for Older Folks 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G I don't fear old age. I am just becoming more aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually 23-year-olds.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Gerry I'm a goofy old fart, but I still have fun. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster? I'm so old I get that same sensation just rolling over in bed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:28 PM                        Rated G Harold We were taking an elderly couple home and there was this terrible smell. We thought the old guy had shit himself. After we dropped them off the smell was still there. We needed milk so stopped at a convenience store. My wife went in to get the milk and on the way out noticed dog shit on her shoes. She threw the shoes in a garbage can and kind of cried all the way home. I had a good laugh but got in trouble for it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2005 08:58 AM                        Rated G Old Lady Driving on Highway Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:39 PM                        Rated G Old Age Her body had gotten totally out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. She decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. She bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotards on, the class was over.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 12:38 PM                        Rated G I have some good news for senior citizens. Of memory, hearing, all the faculties, the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we're wearing bifocals and hearing aids, we'll be making love. We just won't know with whom!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:30 AM                        Rated G While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, I asked my group to complete these well-known phrases. For example, I would prompt them with, "Better safe..." to which they would answer, "than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until I got to the phrase, "Make love, not war." I had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year old shouted from the back, "while you can."  |  IP: Logged

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