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Author
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Topic: Senior's
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 03-28-2006 02:43 PM
Rated G...
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. In addition, she hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2006 03:49 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Denny in Yonkers
I 'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer carton and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a beer carton...another convenient way to measure time!)
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of a head.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old gezers with attitudes.
(It's purposely in big type for us old guys)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-12-2006 03:26 PM
Rated G
As we all get older, I'm sure that, like me, you would like to stay "alive 'n' sharp" for as long as possible. The harsh reality, however, is that none of us lives forever, and one of these days each one of us is likely to finally "lose our smarts."
If you're like me, you will want to know when that happens so that you don't embarrass either yourself or your loved ones, so I'm convinced that each of us should take a good hard look at ourselves from time to time. This should help get you started with the process:
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the director what the criteria was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-22-2006 09:33 PM
Rated G
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
1. 77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
17. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
18. Funny, I don't remember being absentminded...
19. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
20. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
21. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
22. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
23. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen...I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something!
I think...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-22-2006 09:38 PM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley, Ca.
REFLECTIONS
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is...the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go?
I remember well... seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...
But, here it is...wife retired and she's really getting gray...she moves slower and I see an older woman now. She's in better shape than me... but, I see the great change... Not the one I married who was young and vibrant... but, like me, her age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I know, that when it's over...its over....Yes , I have regrets .There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done. But indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. Its all in a lifetime.. .
So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't forget family. They will be gone sooner than you think & that will be one of those things you wished you had done.
Life goes by quickly So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...
"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who came after. Make it a fantastic one."
LIVE IT WELL!!
~author unknown~
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-04-2006 11:28 AM
Rated PG....
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-04-2006 05:03 PM
Rated G...
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-10-2006 06:45 AM
Rated G
A number of thoughts about the fun of aging.Did I mention that these are about aging?
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. Idecided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied."Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.First, she wanted to be cremated,and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart."Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes.Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow oldbecause you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,and theeyesight to tell the difference.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 10-11-2006 01:55 PM
Rated G...
A lady friend writes:
---An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
---Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-18-2006 07:45 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
NEVER MIND
Now, isn't that nice? I just discovered a lever on my computer keyboard that makes the screen larger. A "zoom," it's called.
We'll be seeing more and more of this, I guess, as the population greys. Sometime soon there will be more people over 65 years old in America than there will be children in school.
When I was a young woman, I would thread a half -dozen needles for my mother every time I visited, so that she could sew on a button in between visits from me. This morning I needed to sew one on myself, and spent at least five fruitless minutes struggling with threading the needle before I finally got the thread through the eye. What's going on, I asked myself as I put the end of the thread in my mouth for the tenth time. Are they making thread thicker now than they used to? Or are they making the eyes of needles finer? Why do they do that?
They don't, of course. But never mind.
Who knew that picking up small things was difficult? It ought be to picking up big things that's hard, oughtn't it? But never mind.
Up, up! said the sweet young woman at the cosmetics party I went to last week as she watched me apply moisturizer. Yes, I know: I read the same thing in a magazine--we should always use upward motions when we wash our faces or slather on cream, or even when we blow our noses or cry. Don't collude in what the law of gravity is trying to do to your face. Don't make it worse than it already is. It's true that my cheeks are heading south fast, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to remember this when I cry. But never mind.
Eventually it will all be like threading a needle -- we just won't be able todoit. Someone else is going to have to do it for us, or it just won't get done and the world will go on turning.
Which is what we mean when we say "Never mind."
Copyright © 2006 Barbara Crafton - http://www.geraniumfarm.org
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