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Author
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Topic: Senior's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-29-2003 06:54 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Diane in Las Vegas
Just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!!
Now, I figure it this way,I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer,food (room service),laundry,Elvis collectibles,gratuities and clothes.They have a swimming pool,some even have a workout room (therapy),a lounge, cable (recreation),washer dryer(if I am too impaired,a child or grandchild can pick up my clothes once a week,or they could rotate,that way everyone would only have to do it twice a year).
Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap.
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's alright, it takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, and in some cities... The Duck! You have security and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (if you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue). What more could you ask for?!
With AARP and other Senior discounts, I could be livin pretty dern nicely.
So,
When I reach that Golden age,
Help me keep my grin,
Just check my ole rickety ass,
Into the nearest Holiday Inn! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-09-2003 12:36 PM
Rated G Hank in Simi
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up the stairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-21-2003 04:38 PM
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood
for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-23-2003 06:19 AM
Rated R Lorraine
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," agreed the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,"
said the old woman.
"Uh huh," agreed the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said
the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-28-2003 03:57 PM
On the subject of aging?
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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was
about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is
it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers, not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
Nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
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First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft... Today, it's called golf
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-06-2003 06:41 AM
Rated G
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Now..there, doesn't that just touch your heart?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 01:44 PM
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW. Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-23-2003 02:05 PM
Rated G Closing The Generation Gap
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the old man."
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
grown-ups don’t pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the old man.
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