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Author Topic: Senior's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 09:13 PM                        Rated R Michele There were these twin sisters just turning 100 years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100-year-old twin bitties. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said,"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman. Again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer.I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 10:40 AM                        Rated G Seventy-year-old Oleg is on his deathbed. He says,"Inga,my darling wife,are you here?" She says,"Of course, my love." He says,"Inga,our children;are they here?" All eight children pipe,"Yes, Father, \we're all here." He says, "Our wonderful relatives...are they here as well?" Brothers,sisters,nieces,and nephews all say,"Yes,Oleg.We're here,too." Oleg says,"Then why is the kitchen light on?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 12:05 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Dedicated to Any Who Have "Senior Moments" My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. ~Author (Can't Remember) Can You Relate??? I Don't Remember If I Even Sent This In!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:50 AM                        Rated G Old Mrs.Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said,"Doctor,may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Mrs. Cohen,"I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart--" The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said,"I'm terribly sorry,Mrs.Cohen, but the truth is,I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!" She turned away,but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back."Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 05:31 AM                        Rated PG An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 02:36 PM                        Rated PG Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex." The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?" "By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock." The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me." The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard." The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:08 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee According to a new study elderly drivers may not need to hang up their keys, they may simply need driver education. And really thick bands of rubber around the outside of their cars  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 01:13 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of retirement.While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies,and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids.The man said, "Well,I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters,that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled,so his friend said,"I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large,contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was,my mother was hard of hearing." Puzzlement. Smile."My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night,and my Dad would ask,'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts,the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:16 PM                        Rated G Molested A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!" The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down. 10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them? 10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" "I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 10:43 AM                        Rated G Widows Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the senior's center.... "Well" said one, "Mary has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that's the way it goes,"replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 11:15 AM                        Rated G When dealing with aging,lighten the load by using the expression, 'There is nothing wrong with getting old as long as you keep doing it. It's when you stop doing it that troubles really start.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 11:19 AM                        Rated G Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 08:17 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him."Sir,what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment,then replied "every day at 9PM I have a glass of port.Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied,"That's ALL?" The man smiled,"That,and canceling my voyage on Titanic."  |  IP: Logged

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