One day three nuns are riding their bikes around the front of the church.

The head nun comes out and says, "Five more minutes girls!"

"Weeee!" the nuns cry. Five minutes later the head nun comes out again.

"Tea time!" she yells.

"Weeeee!" The nuns are having the time of their lives.

Another five minutes passes and now the head nun is pissed off.

One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter. St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun, "Do you know who the first man was on earth?" She said, "Ummm that's tough ... Adam?" Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked, "Do you know who the first woman was on earth?" She said, "Ummmm ... Eve?" Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

Dumb nun

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

At the head of a Catholic school's lunch line was a large pile of apples. Next to the pile was a sign written by a nun. The sign read, "Take only one apple, God is watching."

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another anddecided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight ?"

The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's twat."

IT'S ONLY LOGICAL
These 2 nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?
S.M.: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M.: It is not working.

S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.

S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He can’t follow us both.”

So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

S.M. : Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.

S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no! What happened then?

How do you get a nun pregnant?

A nun one night enters a liquor store and asks the keeper of the shop for some alcohol. "I can't. It's just not right. It goes against my conscience and religious beliefs to sell booze to a nun." he says. "But I must have it for medicinal proposes for the mother superior," she tells him pleadingly.

"Sister, I just can't. Don't ask this of me, please," he begs. "I must, it's our last resort to help the good mother with this personal problem. A sample of your brew might be the cure." she tries to explain.

"And you swear this is for nothing more than medicinal proposes?" he asks. "I lay to you the promise that is true on the cross of Christ," she swears with hand over heart.

"All right, you can have the smallest bottle in the shop." he cedes. "That is more than enough, thank you, and god bless." She buys the stuff and leaves.

Later that night, after closing shop and heading home through the park, the keeper runs into the little nun, sloshed out of her mind on a park bench. "Sister, you lied to me, you swore to Christ that the booze I sold you would be for medicinal proposes
for mother superior," he said, hurt and confused.

One day 3 nuns were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

Mother Theresa is at the pearly gates. - No problem getting past St. Peter.

Makes it with flying colors. - She is walking about heaven and is meeting plenty of people she knew from her years down below.

After about a week she is beginning to get a bit puzzled and she goes to seek an audience with God. She gets to see him without any problems.

"God, it's really great to be here," says Mother Theresa, "I have a few questions though".

"Fire away Theresa." says the big man

"Everyone up here seems to have halos, why haven't I got one?"

"Well not everyone has one. Only the good people and even they have to wait the customary ten years."

"I don't mean to be picky," says Theresa, "but I saw Princess Diana and she's got a halo."

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

But then she realized that they cost way too much, so instead, she bought a donkey.

The next day, she enters it into a contest and it comes in third.

The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Chokes.''

The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first.

The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize.''

The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race.

The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Ass.''

And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh isweak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.

An English man, Irish man, and a Scotsman are in Calcutta.

An old nun walks past and the Scotsman says, "I wonder if that's Mother Theresa."

The English man says, "Let's ask her." So they ask her if she is the holy woman, to which she replies, "Piss off you ugly perverts!"