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Author Topic: Nuns Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:52 AM                        Rated PG A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies,"I don't know,I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse,Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies,"I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands. The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted.She whipped back the bed clothes,pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way,had a right good look,pulled up the pyjamas,replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 11:02 AM                        Rated R Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said,"Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord.From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters in the convent, to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" "That's just the problem... you never learned right from wrong, and to get into Heaven you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. "Well,what can I do? I'll do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I'm going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel and then called St. Peter, coughing and hacking."Saint Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe - my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks,I feel dizzy and I think I'm going to throw up!" "Good!" replied St. Peter, "Now you're getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret called St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me... it's all I can do to keep it down." "Good... GOOD!Now you're starting to see the difference between right and wrong!" said St. Peter with delight."Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and 'know' him in the Biblical sense,then call me." A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete... it's Maggie... It's gonna be a while!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 11:27 AM                        Rated PG A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart,isn't he?."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 05:44 PM                        Rated PG Baby Blues This joke is for the founder of www.film-tech.com and the very first person to post a joke in this forum. Please read the rules. Six nuns were in their third-floor sleeping quarters in the convent when a fire broke out one night.The nuns quickly took off their habits,tied them together to make a rope,and climbed out of the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and asked her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits might have ripped or broke since,they are so old? The nun smiled and replied, "Oh, no, dear, we weren't worried at all. Don't you know old habits are hard to break?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:36 AM                       Rated G, for the entire family! (my penance) Q. What is black, white, black, white, black, white? A. A nun rolling down a hill.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:36 AM                       Q. What is black and white and goes ha ha ha? A. The nun that pushed her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 08:38 AM                        Rated X Q: How do you get a Nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar Boy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 08:52 AM                        Rated G Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb,sipping a bottle o' stout and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen,and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?" The sister replied,"Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked,"And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said,"When she sees me this way,she'll be shittin a brick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G Michele Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their bighabits partially blocking the view),three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice,the first guy said,"I think I'm going to move to Utah... there are only 100 Nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said,"I want to go to Montana there are only 50 Nuns living there." The third guy spoke up and said,"I want to go to Idaho there are only 25 Nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around,and looked at the men, and calmly said,Why don't you go to hell there aren't any Nuns there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-29-2003 08:12 PM                        Rated PG Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent." Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity,it is more economic to buy 144 of them." Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said, "We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented. Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friends, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, "I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question." The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!" The first nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?" "Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 08:45 PM                        Rated G Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side. The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross." So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-30-2003 11:52 AM                     RETURNING TO EARTH Rated PG Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who tell them they led such good lives they will be permitted to return to earth as anyone they want. The first nun thinks it over and says, "I'd like to return as Sophia Loren." St. Peter says, "Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren." The second nun thinks and says, "I'd like to be Gina Lollabrigida." St. Peter says "No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida." The third nun says, "I think I'd like to be Virginia Pipeline." St. Peter says, Hmmm, I don't think I know of anyone named Virginia Pipeline." At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning paper: "Virginia Pipeline Laid by 2500 Men"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated R Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, "Tell me, Grace; who created the universe?" When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good". Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace and the Nun said "Very Good" and Grace sat back down and started to fall back asleep. Then the Nun asked Grace a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted.  |  IP: Logged

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