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Author Topic: Nuns Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated G An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"? The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 01:29 PM                        Rated G Michele A really drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were approaching him very nervous. The two nuns split apart - one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said,"Now how in the hell did she do that"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 07:26 AM                        Rated G Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant. ------------------------------------------- A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:59 PM                        Rated G Michele Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G Question: What do you call Mother Teresa now that she is in heaven? Answer: "Nun of the above."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2004 08:59 PM                        Rated PG 2 nuns in the communial bath. "Where's the soap?" "Yes it does,doesn't it"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:46 AM                        Rated PG A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom,walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out,the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." Why not?" the nun asked? "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs,and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.However,they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G B.B. The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. "Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out." Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. "Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" "No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:41 AM                        Rated G A few days before Easter my mother took some chocolate eggs to an acquaintance--a nun who lived with seven or eight others. She didn't want to disturb their morning prayers, so she left her package in a plastic bin outside their front door. She also left her business card, on which she had written the nun's name. When she hadn't received any acknowledgement by midafternoon, she phoned her. Apparently she hadn't received the package, so my mother told her that she had left some chocolate eggs on the porch. "That would explain the curious note we found this morning!" she exclaimed. "It read: 'Thank you. This is truly appreciated.' It was signed, 'The Milkman.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2005 10:35 AM                        Rated G A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2005 01:31 PM                        Rated G The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 02:51 PM                        Rated R Heard on UK Channel 4's Clive Anderson Talks Back, told by Frank Carson, an Irish comedian: A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly - "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again!"  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 09-18-2005 05:40 AM                     Rated PG-13 Two German nuns, who don't speak English very well, must go to a conference in London. Before they leave Nun 1 says to Nun 2: "Listen, I have heard that they eat dog meat in England!" So they leave and one of the first things they see in London is a 'HOT DOGS' stand. Nun 1 takes her dictionary: "hot means 'heiss' and dog is 'hund'. So that's supposed to be warm dog meat." Nun 2 goes to the stand and orders two hot dogs. They leave with their hot dogs and they curiously open the bread. Nun 2: "So that's it. Warm dog meat." Nun 1 has opened her hot dog too and notices the sausage lying inside. With a loud laugh she exclaims "So they gave us the best piece of that dog too!"  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 09-18-2005 05:57 AM                     Rated R A nun went to Mother Superior and said "Mother Superior please help me. I noticed my urine was blue. This lasts now several days." Mother Superior "Ok, I gonna help you; Please bring me a sample of your urine." Some hours later the nun arriveas with a sample. Mother Superior examines it, pulls something blue out and unfolds it. They saw a blue sticker saying CHIQUITA!  |  IP: Logged

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