Mistaken Identity

What is the height of inosense?

What's the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.

"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!"

The man continues to wash their windows.

"Show him your cross," says the other nun.

A young priest was visting a convent.

One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap.

He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower.

On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue.

When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!''

Another said, ''How you get the soap?''

So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand.

''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the nun.

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move
to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are
only 50 Catholics living there..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 20
Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said,

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts to squeegee their windshield.

"Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!"

The man continues to wash their windows.

"Show him your cross," says the other nun.

Slippery Slope

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

The wise old Mother Superior was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM for short), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL for short).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM:" Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants."

SL:" It's logical. He wants to rape us."

SM: "Oh my god sister, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."

SM: "Oh sister, It's not working."

SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too."

SM: " Oh my, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."

SL: " Sister, the only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 15 minutes pass and then Sister Logical finally arrives, all out of breath!

SM: "Sister Logical !! Oh Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"

SL: "Why, of course, the only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."

SM:"Yes, yes! and what happened then?"

SL: "Why the only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as Icould and he started to run as fast as he could!!"

SM: " And...And ? "

SL: " The only logical thing happened. He reached me!! "

SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do? "

SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up!!"

SM: " Oh, Sister! And what did the man do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants !!"

SM: "Oh, no! What happened then????? "

SL: " Isn't it logical, Sister?

"A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pantsdown!!!!"

And for those of you who thought it would be otherwise, say two Hail Marys...

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."

"And that's when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.

They start talking and she asks about his life.

He talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."