my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Nuns (Page 7)

This topic comprises 8 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8

Author Topic: Nuns Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 09-18-2005 06:02 AM                     Rated PG Mother Superior goes around in the morning to check everything was OK. First she arrives to a nun and says: "Good morning, Sister. Everything OK?" - "Yes, Mother Superior. But I notice you stepped out of bed with your wrong leg." Mother Superior doesn't know what she is up to and walks right on. She meets another sister and asks "Good morning Sister, everything OK?" - "Yes, everything OK. But you stepped out of bed with your wrong leg!" Mother Superior walks on and meets another nun. "Good morning Sister, everything alright? Are you gonna tell me too that i stepped out of bed with the wrog leg??" - "Oh, Mother Superior, now I notice too! You are wearing the sandals of Brother Egydius!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2005 10:58 AM                        Rated PG Three Nuns and St. Peter There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff. They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven. This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, "St. Peter, I'm ready for my question." St. Peter replied, "Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?" The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, "Why, it was Adam." (And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened) This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation. St. Peter said, "And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was." Another great sigh of relief, "Eve" the nun replied. (And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened) The third was brimming with excitement. "I'm ready St. Peter!" St. Peter said, "All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun was shocked. "My goodness, that's a hard one." (And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2005 08:34 PM                        Rated Pg-13 Dennis in Yonkers Sister Margaret had been a model Nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters to the dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong." "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished..... we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call me again, and let me know if you finally know the difference between right and wrong." A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete......it's Peggy......It's gonna be awhile" !  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 02:52 PM                        Rated PG The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands!" "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your legs!" The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Roy said: "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If my Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 08:24 AM                        Rated G Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,was out making herrounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. Sister Mary walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to waitand walked back to her car.She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,she carried the bedpan to the station,filled it with gas,and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:46 PM                        Rated G Margaret A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits. "Who is this?" asks the padre. "Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe" "And this portrait?" "That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi" "Who is this third one?" "That is the Virgin of Ishia" "And the final portrait, what virgin is she?" "Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:18 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Nun: Remember, young lady, we are in this world to help others. Melody: Okay, but what are the others here for?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:32 PM                        Rated G A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at the door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:31 PM                        Rated G Paula The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. "Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out." Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. "Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" "No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2006 07:52 PM                        Rated G A 98 year old mothersuperior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. The gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it,she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,"Please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said. "Don't sell that cow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:04 PM                        Rated X Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as thewater burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 01:30 PM                        Rated R Hank in SDimi Valley TWO NUNS AND A PAINT JOB Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man,! " replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits ," says the man, "where do you want the blinds"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2006 12:20 PM                        Rated R The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican,and because they are THE seven dwarfs,they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are they're any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,"No, Dopey,there are no dwarf nuns in Europe " This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.Once again,Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks,as they beginchanting... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"...  |  IP: Logged Bernard Tonks Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 619 From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England Registered: Apr 2001 posted 01-24-2007 03:35 AM                     Deleted, wrong thread. [ 01-24-2007, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: Bernard Tonks ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:36 AM                        Rated G The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow!" ;D  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 8 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.