Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing.

When the three are out on the water,one Rabbi says, "Oops, I left the cooler in the trunk, I'd better go get it or we won't be able to eat or drink."

The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across the water. A few minutes later, he comes hopping back across the lake with the cooler.

The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He thinks to himself "Theres only one person I know who can do that and I doubt he's a Rabbi."

A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, "Oh no, I left my lucky fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches a fish unless I have that hat on." He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across the water to the shore. A minute later he comes hopping across the lake back into the boat.

Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, "Hmm, there must be something in the water. I'm going to try this."The priest says, "Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn't want to lose those." He then steps out of the boat and falls in the water. He gets out again and once again goes *splash*.

The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

There once was this boy and he always got into trouble.

One day he and his mother were shopping and he saw this bicycle that hef ell in love with.

He asked his mother if she would buy it for him and she said that if he became a good boy that she would.

The boy then goes home and writes a letter to Jesus saying: Dear Jesus, I really want this bicycle. If you let me have the bicycle I will be a good boy for a whole year. The boy then folds the letter and puts it in his pocket.

He goes outside for a walk and finds his dad taking in the groceries. All of a sudden, his dad trips on the roller skate he was supposed to put away. His dad starts to yell at him and the boy goes back inside and crosses out the letter.

He rewrites it saying: Dear Jesus, if you let me have the bicycle that I really want, I will be good for one month.

Then he walks into his sisters room and starts to doodle on some note paper. When his sister comes home, she begins to yell at him saying that the notepaper he was writing on was her report that was due the next day.

He tries to apologize but she wouldn't listen.

He goes goes into the kichen and rewrites the letter this time saying: Dear Jesus, if I can have that bicycle I will be a good boy for a day.

Right when he finishes the letter, his mother screams from the other end of the house saying that he forgot to clean his room.He had been too preoccupied with trying to be good that he had forgotten.He has lost hope.

The teacher said, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Daniel, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.

The
other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.

As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?"

"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Then, where are you?"

There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.

He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble call on God.

So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"

A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.

The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And again the lord did not response.

This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are there I will serve you if you help me."

The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"

"Yes," replied the man.

The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?

"Yes I do", replied the man.

God said, "let the branch go."

One day in the garden of Eden, Adam said, "God, I am lonely." So God said, "Adam, I will create for you a woman." "What's a woman?" asked Adam. "She is a beautiful creature with whom you can love and have a family," God replied. He sent down Eve and told Adam and her to go off and fall in love.

A little while later, Adam came back to God. "God? How do I fall in love with Eve?" he asked. "Spend lots of time with her," said God.

Adam came back the next day and asked, "God? How do I tell Eve I love her?" "Kiss her," replied God. "What's a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained to Adam what a kiss was and the various ways to do it. So Adam went to Eve and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back. "God? How do I start a family with Eve? How can I show my love for her more affectionately?" "Have sex with her," was God's response. "What's sex?" asked Adam. God explained everything possible about the birds and bees to Adam and Adam went off.

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady.

A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk said yes. The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up.

He said, "Have you found Jesus?" T

The drunk said no.

The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up.

The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk again said no.

The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time.

He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

Once there was a Sunday School teacher who taught a 8th grade class.

One day, at the end of a class, he told the students, "Next Sunday I will
teach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand, I want you to read all of Mark 17."

Then he dismissed the class.

The next Sunday, he asked "Okay, before I start my lesson, I want to know who read Mark 17."

Everyone raised their hand.

If God lives inside of us, like some Christians say, then I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church. The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''

So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.

The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it
really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?