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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:43 PM                        Rated PG The Ordination Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...... Then all the other bells started to ring.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:44 PM                        Rated G The Confessional An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question " "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:46 PM                        Rated G At the Pearly Gates Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2008 07:31 AM                        Rated G Marty An embarrassed woman pulled her minister aside, saying "I hope you weren't offended when my husband walked out during the sermon." The minister said that he'd been a bit ruffled. The woman said, "Don't take it personally. He's been walking in his sleep his whole life."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 09:13 AM                        Rated G Did Noah Fish? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you thinkNoah did a lot of fishing when he was on the ark?" "No," replied Johnny. How could he, with njust two worms?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2008 07:17 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Bingo Player's Prayer: As I lay me down to slumber, All I need is one more number, When to the next game I go, I pray the Lord I yell BINGO!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2008 07:28 PM                        Rated G B.B. Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 02:49 PM                        Rated G Drew All the churches in our small town were definitely in sync. On one side of the street, a sign advertised the minister's upcoming sermon. "Love they neighbour." Across the street, the other house of worship explained why: "When your marriage is in trouble."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 03:01 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?" One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2008 09:47 PM                        Rated G Betsy It was a tense morning at our house. When my daughters Betty and Lisa returned from an overnight outing with their Sunday school class, they discovered that the egg their pair of pigeons had been sitting on was missing. A quick check revealed that someone had broken it and tried to hide it. It didn't take a detective to guess that the culprit was four- year-old Hailey, who was fascinated by the pigeons. She hadn't realized that the egg held a developing baby bird, to her it was just a smaller version of the eggs we cooked and ate every morning. That night Hailey apologized to her sister Betty and said that she prayed that God would bring another egg. "I promised I wouldn't touch it this time." she added. Betty was in no mood and simply replied,"Yea right." A few minutes later, however, Betty came tearing out of her room shouting,"There's an egg in the cage. I can't believe it!" She couldn't say aloud what was racing through her mind, but Hailey did. "I told you I prayed.....and God laid an egg!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice? A: A Religious Movement.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2008 07:12 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2008 07:14 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2008 07:17 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2008 07:18 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."  |  IP: Logged

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