Rated G

A young man concludes that the religious life is for him.Accordingly he joins an order with a strict vow of silence. There is one exception to the rule however. Every ten years each monk is allowed to speak three words but the alloted words maybe spoken only to the abbot.

Ten years pass. Our friend dutifully enters the abbot's cell and speaks his three words. He says, "Bed is hard."

Ten more years pass. He again enters the cell of the abbot and says, "Food is tasteless."

His time to speak his three words comes round again after ten more years. He enters the Superior's cell and says, "I am leaving."

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.

This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sundaydinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Eighty-six."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around.

A Jewish prayer--

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact.

He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage.

He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consumation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly," she asks him???

"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister.

"Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man.

"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "

I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone  to play with them so they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest  church.

Only the custodian was there,  One said, "We need to be  baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time.

He said, "Now go out and  play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the
oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are ?  

We're not Katlick because they  pour water." "We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

Three good points that Jesus was Mexican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But there were equally good arguments that Jesus was black:

1. He called everybody "brother."

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He started his own Religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence is that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives & their families.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this response and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he ought to, and he's especially upset now that man is messing with DNA and cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there's a Scientist's Convention going on.

After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and introduces himself - "Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am sick of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need to stay out of my business."

One of the scientists stands up and says, "Well, I tell you what, God. Let's go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave us alone. If I can't, we'll stop."

God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and takes a handful of dirt.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried slamming the door again, really put her back into it, but with the same result - the door bounced back open.

The Old couple regularly attended church.

The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

My wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. 

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."