One sunday in church, a teacher asked her sunday school class "Ok kids what is the commandment for your Mom's and Dad's?"

One girl raised her hand and said "Thou shall honor your Mother and
Father."

Then the teacher asked "What is the commandment for your brothers and sisters?"

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when he saw a perfect scene: a blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her golden retriever.
"Hello, little girl," he said. "What's your name?''

"My name is Blossom. My mommy was sitting under this very tree when she was pregnant with me, when an apple blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it was a sign from God, and if it was a girl, she would name her Blossom.''

''That's a really sweet story,'' the reverend replied. "What's your dog's name?''

"Porky."

"That's an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that?"

The Senility Prayer

The Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very  interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down  paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but  eventually the local Baptist Church needed some painting done on one of  their  biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he  got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from the church.

Jock was knocked off the scaffold onto the lawn and fell among the gravestones, surrounded by tell tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
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(you're going to love this)
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"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

Subject: Heavenly Voice Mail

Be grateful God doesn't have voice mail..... Imagine praying andhearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Thanksgiving.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries

I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to God, press 1. For Jesus, press 2. For the Holy Spirit, press 3. If you would like to hear King Solomon sing a Psalm while you are
holding, press 4. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5,then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3-1-6

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend in observance of the religious holiday.

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . . .for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold. So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works.
The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs. He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs.

She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?''

"Yes," her mom says.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of
the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with Adelaide City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs & Gregory's.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST. I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a
"recreational water craft."

I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about how to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, RSPCA, Work Cover, Sheriff's Office, and numerous other government departments.

Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer. 
 
 
 

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah with in marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!""
"Women on top?" asks the man.

Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?""Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?""NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.

One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.