WORD ASSOCIATION

The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in.

He called out WOOD...

In just a second 10 people started singing The "Old Rugged Cross."

He called out LOVE...
 
and a little 6 year old started singing "Jesus Loves me."

He then called out SEX... 
Not a sound...

Again he called out SEX...

The Top 9 New Religions for the 21st Century

9   "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements"
       (The Cult of Saint Pamela)

8  X-TREME RELIGION!!!

7  Joe-piscopal

6  Star Trek - The Next Denomination

5  Leonardo DiCatholic

4  Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

3  Harry Caray-Ishna

2  Crystal Methodist

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, began to speak:

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!". The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly: "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.

When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

So the preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. 

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." 

So the minister began his sermon. 

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.

The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. 

The cowboy then answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen.

He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal.

She had no weapon and was all alone.

The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!" 

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.
When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place.

They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: 

"How did you do this?" 

The woman replied: "I quoted scripture." 

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" 

What did Adam say to Eve when he got his first erection?

Adam and Eve had just eaten the Forbidden Fruit!

Adam looked at Eve, Eve looked at Adam, In the blink of an eye they were at it like rabbits!

Afterwards Adam laid back and started to snooze (it's biological girls, honest!). Eve, feeling hot and bothered, went down to the ocean for a refreshing bath.After a while God apeared to Adam, "Hi Adam what's new?" Adam said, "You crafty old goat! No wonder you didn't want us eating that fruit, boy what a time!"

Some ponderments...

Ever wonder about the people that spend $2.00 each for the little bottles of Evian water? Evian spelled backwards----naive.

Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool??

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea----does that mean that one enjoys it??

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans??

There are three religious truths:

1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters!!!

A tax official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.

The rabbi is accompanying him.

"So rabbi tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it back to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the drippings?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those left over pieces?"

Wearily, the rabbi replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

The priest said, "Today's sermon is called 'Liars'.

I will get to that in a moment, but first I have a question.

How many of you have read Chapter 66 in Matthew?"

Nearly every hand went up."

You're just the group I need to speak to," the priest said.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible,and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

Damn Disney and there Satanic ways per the Southern Babist Convention Capitol Steps style.....

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived?
and why?" And to make it interesting she held a wenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

Abraham said "Jesus Christ." The teacher was shocked.

"Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars."

She handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.

It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

The pastor's church is called "Almighty God Tabernacle." On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.

The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.

When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry way.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer.." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.