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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Rachel Craven
Madam Moderator
Posts: 2190
From: Pensacola, FL
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 08-07-2003 09:30 PM
Rated PG-13 ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-18-2003 04:51 PM
Rated G
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda
2. Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy.I never asked for anything before.You can look it up.
-Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
4. Dear God,if we come back as somebody else please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her.
Denise
5. God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
6. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene
7. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita
8. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
9. Dear God, did you really mean,Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then,I'm going to get even with my brother.
Darla
10. Dear God,I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them.You really made up some good ones.I like walking on water, too.
Glenn
11. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love,
Dennis
12. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't,who does?
Nan
13. Dear God, it's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold
14. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
15. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? -
Jennifer
16. Dear God, what does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted.
Jane
17. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour
18. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
19. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
20. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.What's up? Don't forget.
Jane
21. Dear God, you don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street.
Dean
22. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
23. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Liz
24. Dear God,is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny
25. Dear God, in Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation?
Jane
26. Dear God, in school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea?
Sincerely, Donna
27. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well,I just want you to know that.I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
28. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff
29. Dear God,I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank
30. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night.That was really cool.
Carol
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 08:13 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards
heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your
advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my
neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never
prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-03-2003 02:52 PM
Rated PG Michele
Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his
trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said.
A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and
said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt,
and added, "In about an hour or so."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-10-2003 10:25 AM
Rated G Lorraine
A new Pastor in a small town spent the first four days making
personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to
his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty.
Accordingly,the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers,
stating that,because the church was dead,it was everyone'sduty
to give it a decent Christian burial.The funeral would be held
the following Sunday afternoon,the notice said.
Morbidly curious,a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers.After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin,tilted at the correct angle,was a large mirror.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-22-2003 12:13 PM
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one
day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he
passed a Pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in
Yiddish "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, standing like a
schmuck... eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little
head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down
on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night long he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the
parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; About how
beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; About his
family; About his wife and children; About his years of working in
the garment industry; and about sunny Florida. The parrot listened
and commented while sharing some walnuts. The parrot told him of
living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both
went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded
to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot
wanted to pray too.
Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot
wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and
teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.
Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend
and a Jew. He was lonely no more.
On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave
when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a
synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and
was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned
by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi refused to
allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer
convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot
could pray.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet... even
odds...that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish, or
Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was
still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song
passed...but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed,
slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!"
The parrot said nothing. "Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it now
while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue
buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
home...very disgusted, saying nothing.
Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an
old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked
at him. "You miserable bird... you cost me over four thousand dollars.
Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read
Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a
synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get
on Yom Kippur !"
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