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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 03:58 PM                        Rated G A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2005 03:00 PM                        Rated G Worship together. Religious services connect families with a special community of belief and support, and they provide an experience of being together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 03:55 PM                        Rated G Diana A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality."I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked the astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2005 04:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gates) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral witnessed the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens, "Peter! Close the gates!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 07:08 AM                        Rated G B.B. Religion as Baseball Calvinists believe the game is fixed. Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper. Quakers won't swing. Unitarians can catch anything. Amish walk a lot. Pagans sacrifice. Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often. Televangelists get caught stealing.Episcopalians pass the plate. Evangelicals make effective pitches. Fundamentalists balk. Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch. Atheists refuse to have an Umpire. Baptists want to play hardball. Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness. The Pope claims never to have committed an error.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:41 PM                        Rated G A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 12:26 PM                        Rated G A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:09 AM                        Rated G Over here 12th night used to be known as Old Christmas because it was sumthing to do with Great Britain catching up with the rest of Europe in the calandar.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:28 AM                        Rated G Bruce Jewish Definitions--- Putz: The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws. Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners. Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel. Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think? Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely. Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch." Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh. Schmendrick:]/b] A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving. [b]Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling his soup. Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on. Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law. Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too. Kin-a-hora: A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe laborer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2006 11:28 AM                        Rated G Jack "Sermon Feedback" After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2006 11:43 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba A Jewish man married a Chinese woman. Their marriage was doing so well that they decided to have a baby. The husband wanted the baby to have a name that epitomized "Jewish people of today." His wife wanted the baby to have a meaningful, Chinese name. After much thought they chose to combine two very meaningful names into one for their special boy. They named him Cha-Ching.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 07:17 AM                        Rated G My pastor was recently invited by a member of his congregation to their farm home for dinner. They had just finished an excellent meal (chicken and dumplings, a favorite of mine:) when my pastor saw a rooster strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," my pastor commented. "Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud: one of his sons just entered the ministry!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 08:46 AM                        Rated G A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all." A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all." "I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor. "And I pay for all!" added a citizen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 09:28 AM                        Rated G B.B. A C-of-E vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As the two start to think about leaving, the priest offers them a whisky to help them on their way. "Don't mind if I do, thanks." says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. "And yourself?" says the priest to the methodist minister. "What? Drink alcohol?" says the minister aghast. "Why, I'd rather commit adultery!!". At this the vicar spits his whisky back into the glass: " Wahoa!..., I never realised there was a choice..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 01:04 PM                        Rated G Elaine The story of Adam and Eve made no sense to me. Eve is responsible for the entire decline of humanity because she was tempted by an apple. Don't you think God overreacted just a tad? It's not like Eve ate God's last Oreo.  |  IP: Logged

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