|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Religion
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-04-2007 10:23 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Bruce
God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Thou art hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Oy, let's be honest, Mother Teresa," God says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-18-2007 12:53 PM
Rated B Lorraine
The pastor of our church called to confirm that I would be the nursery co-ordinator. He also suggested that when my daughter, who would be two by then, "graduated" from the nursery in the spring, I could then consider taking charge of the preschool program. "I'd love to," I said, "but by then my next baby will be in the nursery." I reminded him that I was expecting my second child in the spring.
There was a short pause before he stated, "You know, people are going to get the wrong idea of what the nursery co-ordinator is supposed to be responsible for."
"Why?" I questioned.
"Well," he started slowly, "the nursery co-ordinator is supposed to be in charge of the supplies for the babies in the nursery, not supplying babies for the nursery."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-19-2007 07:25 AM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old boy: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares?!
Peace, love and happiness to you and yours.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-07-2007 03:49 PM
Rated G Lorraine
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point?!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-20-2007 02:42 PM
Rated R Hank in Simi Valley
A Hasidic man is standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes.
A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop a man, has just finished checking in, and is on her way to the elevator, when she sees the Hasid.
She stops dead in her tracks and walks over to him. "Hi," she says.
"Hello," he answers.
"I have a confession to make to you," she says.
He nods.
"I have a sexual fantasy."
Again he nods.
"I don't know how to say this, but I've always wanted to be with a Hasidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard, and fiddle with his payess. In fact, I want you now, and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me?"
He looks at her thoughtfully and asks, "And vat's in it for me?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-01-2007 02:36 PM
Rated G
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," he replied,still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with
fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:15 or the 10:30?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-02-2007 11:22 AM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, With a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365,"Shall We Gather at the River"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 08-13-2007 12:14 PM
Rated G....
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going
to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the
power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went
out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has
all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic