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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 12:00 PM                        Rated G A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:28 PM                        Rated G We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:38 AM                        Rated G Lulu After the revival had concluded, the three preachers were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained three new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our nine biggest trouble makers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:43 AM                        Rated G Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? ~Lily Tomlin~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:56 AM                        Rated G A three-year-old in our congregation watches football games with his father and knows some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:21 PM                        Rated G There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 08:56 AM                        Rated G JT After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon." "Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?" "Oh he's been sleepwalking since he was a little kid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:12 AM                        Rated G Bruce They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference fee includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:19 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" Quentin Crisp  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:05 PM                        Rated PG A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too- talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away." An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?" The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:50 PM                        Rated G Bruce A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirm- ation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every couple that walked by and desired such. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2006 07:02 PM                        Rated G A conscientious minister decided to become acquainted with a new family in his congregation and called on them recently. After a knock on the door, a lifting voice from within called out, "Is that you, angel?" "No," replied the minister, "but I am from the same department."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 10:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. For years we lived in a small town with one bank and three churches. Early one Monday morning, the bank called all three churches with the same request, "Could you bring in Sunday's collection right away? We're out of one-dollar bills."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:51 AM                        Rated G Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after getting a strong preaching-to on the evils of the Devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:54 AM                        Rated G A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"  |  IP: Logged

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