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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-12-2006 01:14 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
God
This will give you the chills........GOOD chills.
A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study.
The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice.
The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"
After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.
It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."
As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.
He shook his head and said out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.
But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.
The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.
"Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.
As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street."
This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection.
Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street.
At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.
Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will".
He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.
Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.
"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away.
The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?"
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.
Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.
The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?"
The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Dieter Depypere
Master Film Handler
Posts: 343
From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria
Registered: May 2005
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posted 01-12-2006 02:20 PM
RATED G
The Pope visits Belgium (Information: Belgium is in North Europe, borders Germany and the Netherlands).
As his visit is done the crew is planning to go back to Rome, Italy. The Pope says to his chauffeur: "Well, we are always flying back to Rome. So I don't see what is going on down there. Let's drive back with my pope-mobile!"
OK so they start their tour and as they ride along the Belgian Interstate, the Pope says "I want to steer the pope-mobile. Let me drive" - OK, so the Pope drives. And he is going 110 miles per hour (at an official speed limit of 75 mph!).
Unfortunately the police sees that and chases him. As the officers stop the car the one says to the other "Oh it is the Pope! We have to phone to Brussels! Immediately!"
So they phone to the Colonel: "Colonel, there is a driver, he drove 110 mph!" - "110? Directly in jail!" - "Doesn't work! It is a very high guy" - "Well, is it a minister?" - "No, much higher" - "The King (Belgium is a kingdom!)?" - "No, much higher!" - "So it has to be the Pope!" - "No no, much higher!" - "Well, you are kidding! It can't be God himself?" - "Yes, I think so Colonel, The Pope is his chauffeur!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-19-2006 02:25 PM
Rated G
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-30-2006 08:11 PM
Rated PG
Four Jewish brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were going to give to their elderly mother, who lived in another city.
The first said, "I'm having a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I'm having a hundred thousand dollar home theater built in the house."
The third said, "I'm having my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves the Torah and you know how she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. Well, I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took ten rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute 100,000 a year for ten years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Later, Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:
Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge.I live in only one room,but have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Dear Menachem, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound that can hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.
Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,so I never use the Mercedes... and the driver you hired is a Nazi. But the thought was good. Thanks.
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 02-07-2006 12:32 PM
Rated G Dave in Sin City
Subject: How bad is this joke?
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...
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>"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2006 10:03 AM
Rated G B.B.
Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.
Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one airline supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.
He took the plane. Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.
Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"
He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.
A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."
"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"
"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?"
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