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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-20-2007 12:52 PM
Rated G...
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of
Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and
poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole
glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some wisdom before
you die."
The Mother Superior raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2007 07:50 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking , "Yeah! What do You think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians. " ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-01-2008 04:45 PM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny."Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.Nice and slow and even.Nothing too strenuous, simply,in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2008 09:11 AM
Rated G Faye & Bob in Kingston, Ont.
THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily
married (most of the time)
for five years
but hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some serious
praying and promised God
that if he would give us a child,
I would be a perfect mother,
love it with all my heart
and raise it with His word
as my guide.
God answered my prayers
and blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed us
with another son.
The following year,
He blessed us with
yet another son.
The year after that we
were blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'd
been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children,
and the oldest was only
four years old.
I learned never to ask God
for anything unless I meant it
As a minister once told me,
"If you pray for rain,
make sure you carry an umbrella."
I began reading a few verses
of the Bible to the children
each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start.
God had entrusted me
with four children and
I didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the day
the children smashed
two dozen eggs on
the kitchen floor searching
for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding...
when they started a hotel for
homeless frogs in the spare bedroom,
although it took me nearly two hours
to catch all twenty-three frogs.
When my daughter poured
ketchup all over herself and
rolled up in a blanket to see
how it felt to be a hot dog,
I tried to see the humor
rather than the mess.
In spite of changing over
twenty-five thousand diapers,
never eating a hot meal
and never sleeping for more
than thirty minutes at a time,
I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise
to be a perfect mother -
I didn't even come close...
I did keep my promise
to raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the mark
just a little when I told
my daughter we were going
to church to worship God,
and she wanted to bring
a bar of soap along to
"wash up" Jesus, too.
Something was lost
in the translation when
I explained that
God gave us everlasting life,
and my son thought it was
generous of God to give
us his "last wife."
My proudest moment came
during the children's
Christmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary,
two of my sons were shepherds
and my youngest son was a wise man.
This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd
had practiced his line,
"We found the babe wrapped
in swaddling clothes."
But he was nervous and said,
"The baby was wrapped
in wrinkled clothes."
My four-year-old "Mary" said,
"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes."
A wrestling match broke out
between Mary and the shepherd
and was stopped by an angel,
who bent her halo and lost
her left wing.
I slouched a little lower
in my seat when Mary
dropped the doll representing
Baby Jesus, and it bounced
down the aisle crying,
"Mama-mama."
Mary grabbed the doll,
wrapped it back up
and held it tightly as
the wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forward
wearing a bathrobe
and a paper crown,
knelt at the manger
and announced,
"We are the three wise men,
and we are bringing gifts
of gold,
common sense
and fur."
The congregation
dissolved into laughter,
and the pageant
got a standing ovation.
"I've never enjoyed a Christmas
program as much as this one,"
laughed the pastor,
wiping tears from his eyes
"For the rest of my life,
I'll never hear the
Christmas story without
thinking of
gold,
common sense
and fur."
"My children are my pride
and my joy and my greatest
blessing," I said as I dug
through my purse for an aspirin.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-20-2008 05:27 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
We work by results...
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom. "The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter."While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-12-2008 04:37 PM
Rated G Bob & Faye in Kingston, Ont.
ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
~~~Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
~~~Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven,and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
~~~Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
~~~Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's n ot much good for science.
~~~Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
~~~Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
~~~Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
~~~Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, anangel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
~~~Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
~~~Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
~~~Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
~~~Lynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
~~~Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
~~~ Sarah, 7 ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-05-2008 02:22 PM
Rated G the little woman
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-11-2008 08:38 AM
Rated G Diane in Nevada
The 12 Opossums
The more you know, the funnier it is. You simply must read these childrens' observations on the bible! All the stories are so cutea.
The following is from a lady in Oregon. It is priceless! The Bible explained by kids; truth has been redefined!
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned.
This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me alight!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my Mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisee sand the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-11-2008 05:10 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church
wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed,socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she
called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the
road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-15-2008 09:20 PM
Rated G Hollywood Phil
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water..' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get..
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
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Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.
John Wesley
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