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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:58 AM                        Rated G One day God was looking down on Earth and saw all the evil that was going on. He decided that He would send down an angel to check it out. So He called on of His angels and sent her to Earth for a while. When she came back, she told God that 95% of the people were bad, and only 5% of the people were good. God was not pleased, so he decided to send the 5% who were good an e-mail to encourage them to keep being good. Do you know what that e-mail said? Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? [ 03-20-2006, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 07:22 AM                        Rated G Gerry A pastor said. "We welcome all denominations, especially tens and twenties."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 08:16 AM                        Rated G Gerry Stepping out of his rural church, Father Schulkind was surprised to find several large dead pigs in the garden. Realizing they must have escaped from a local farm, he telephoned the police to come and take the animals away. "Gee, father" said the smart-aleck desk sergeant, "I don't think we can make it. I mean, isn't it the job of the church to bury the dead?" "Quite so," replied the quick-thinking priest. "Howver, it's also our responsibility to notify the next-of-kin."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:45 PM                        Rated G B.B. The 7 modern sins: Politics without principles. Pleasures without conscience. Wealth without work. Knowledge without character. Industry without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. - Canon Frederic Donaldson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 07:03 AM                        Rated G Quirk Have you heard about the preacher who officiated at so many shotgun weddings that he decided to rename his church Winchester Cathedral?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 12:10 PM                        Rated G Lulu The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:42 AM                        Rated G "For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." -- David Gunter  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:56 AM                        Rated G Bruce A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is near. Turn yourself around now before it's too late." They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff." From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 07:24 PM                        Rated G A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 07:01 AM                        Rated G B.B. Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 03:17 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2006 09:54 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Worm Class =========== A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate ......you won't have worms!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2006 03:32 PM                        Rated G Andrew A local pastor joined a community service club and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name on the badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called 'Shepherd of the Sheep' but you know your people better than I do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2006 05:13 AM                        Rated G Boudreaux,a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana,was an older,single gentleman,who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.Each Friday night after work,he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent,they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux,and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard,clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,he stopped in amazement and watched.There stood Boudreaux,clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat,and chanted: "You wuz born a deer,and you wuz raised a deer,but now you a catfish."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2006 10:04 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers The Holy Alphabet Whoever came up with this one must have had some Divine guidance! A lthough things are not perfect B ecause of trial or pain C ontinue in thanksgiving D o not begin to blame E ven when the times are hard F ierce winds are bound to blow G od is forever able H old on to what you know I magine life without His love J oy would cease to be K eep thanking Him for all the things L ove imparts to thee M ove out of "Camp Complaining" N o weapon that is known O n earth can yield the power P raise can do alone Q uit looking at the future R edeem the time at hand S tart every day with worship T o "thank" is a command U ntil we see Him coming V ictorious in the sky W e'll run the race with gratitude X alting God most high Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but... Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad! Poem by Cindy Blackamore  |  IP: Logged

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