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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2006 03:36 PM                        Rated G A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Catholic Priest who happened to be sitting beside her,"Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well,I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you,dear,but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked,"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,but which,to date,has never been used." The official roared with laughter and yelled, "NEXT!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2006 10:22 AM                        Rated PG There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons,and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2006 10:22 AM                        Rated PG There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons,and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-01-2006 11:18 AM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora,Ont. HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2006 11:45 AM                        Rated G to R Jewish Humor You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. For example: There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out. A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence. What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? Facing Bloomingdales. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mama, how are you?" "Not too good,” said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:53 PM                        Rated G WHERE WOULD JESUS SHOP? Heaven-Eleven Old Noah Burlington Coat-of-Many-Colors Factory Saved-a-Lot Blessed Buy Lordstrom's Vatican's Secrets JC Penance Stables TMI Fridays  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2006 02:11 PM                        Rated G In June of 1998, I was in the hospital recovering from a bypass operation. A member of my church's council came to visit. He said he brought greetings from the entire council and their wishes that I should recover soon and live a long and healthy life. I thanked him and said that was very nice. He was somewhat taken aback and said, "It's more than 'nice,' Jimmy. It was an official resolution ... passed by a vote of 14-7, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 10:11 AM                        Rated G B.B. Evangelist Request During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2007 12:46 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 12:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The pastor of our church called to confirm that I would be the nursery co-ordinator. He also suggested that when my daughter, who would be two by then, "graduated" from the nursery in the spring, I could then consider taking charge of the preschool program. "I'd love to," I said, "but by then my next baby will be in the nursery." I reminded him that I was expecting my second child in the spring. There was a short pause before he stated, "You know, people are going to get the wrong idea of what the nursery co-ordinator is supposed to be responsible for." "Why?" I questioned. "Well," he started slowly, "the nursery co-ordinator is supposed to be in charge of the supplies for the babies in the nursery, not supplying babies for the nursery."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2007 04:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Our minister was retiring, and his well-liked wife was the guest of honor at a farewell luncheon. When we had finished eating, a gift was presented to her by the president of our women’s group. The minister’s wife opened the box and held up a beautiful negligee. "Holy smoke!" she exclaimed. "There will be," one of the women called out, "the first night you wear that!" [ 01-20-2007, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2007 10:51 AM                        Rated G Bruce A preacher was really hitting his stride one Sunday, delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Brother Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" Cowed, the man replied, "No, Reverend, I'm just standing for my wife's first husband. That guy had to be PERFECT!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 08:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Driving somewhere along the Massachusetts North Shore in the early 1900s, Bishop William Lawrence happened upon a driver swearing profusely as he struggled to pry a flat tire from the rim. "Have you tried prayer, my good man?" gently inquired the bishop - upon which the poor fellow, in the desperation of his plight, fell on his knees, clasped his hands, and lifted his eyes heavenwards. He then picked up the iron, inserted it, and off popped the tire. "Well, I'll be Goddamned," said the bishop.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2007 04:05 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Church squirrel problems There were Five country churches in a small town:The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels . One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2007 12:40 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers JESUS AND THE COP An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee,on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Cop on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, toots,How's about gettin' me a cold glass of beer! " As most Cops would he took notice of every one in the place and saw Jesus and asked the waitress, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the COP said give that man a cold glass of beer, On my bill." As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the COP. The Cop jumped up and yelled "Don't touch me.....I'm trying to get out on 3/4's!"  |  IP: Logged

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