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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-16-2008 11:13 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident.
First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive." Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other. Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."
To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-26-2008 04:29 PM
Rated G Lorraine
Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -but still call yourself a Christian.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-27-2008 10:17 AM
Rated G
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-28-2008 02:55 PM
Rated X Lorraine
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies..."Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-08-2008 12:22 PM
Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ont.
A Taliban Homicide bomber pulls the plug explodes.........BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white
staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man,'I am St Peter, Mohammed isfurther up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he
carries on climbing up the stairs.
After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with
long hair and a long white beard.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further up the stairs'.
But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, ‘Mohammad is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!'
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing.
There,sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!'
You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'
The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts..........
'Yo, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!' ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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