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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:22 PM                        Rated G Eddie Joyce,married for several years,was troubled and went to see his pastor. "Pastor, I've got real problems at home with the woman you married me to,back in 1998." "Sorry to hear that, Eddie," the pastor said. "What seems to be the problem?" "Money! The root of all evil, isn't it? All she wants is money. She keeps asking me for money! Money! Money!" "Goodness sakes, Eddie...what does she do with the money you do give her?" "How should I know, Pastor! I ain't never given her none."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 09:11 AM                        Rated G TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES By Grant MacDonald 10.Eve to Adam:"You never take me anywhere different to eat!" 9.Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister,we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19) 8.Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust,locust,locust!" 7.Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses:"Stop parting the bath water, Moses,and wash behind those ears!" 6.David's mom to Jesse,her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling?He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!" 5.Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo?I'm sick of all these long hairs!" 4.Elizabeth to Mary:"I love talking to you, Mary,really I do,but can you speak a little softer?This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44) 3.Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!" 2.Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut,I would make sure the problem came to a head!" And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is: 1.Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?"How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 09:44 AM                        Rated G Alex A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends,a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu.A short time later,the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoonand other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food,the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend,for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant,order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!" Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes) "Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-29-2003 07:40 PM                        Rated G A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A very dignified pastor was visiting a lady in a nursing home who was confined to a wheel chair. As he stood to leave, the lady asked him to have a word of prayer.He gently took her hand and prayed that God would be with her to bring her comfort, strength and healing. When he finished praying her face began to glow. She said softly, "Pastor, would you help me to my feet?" Not knowing what else to do, he helped her up. At first, she took a few uncertain steps. Then she began to jump up and down, then to dance and shout and cry with happiness until the whole nursing home was aroused. After she was quieted, the solemn pastor hurried out to his car, closed the door, grabbed hold of the steering wheel and prayed a little prayer, "Lord, don't you ever do that to me again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 06:52 AM                        Rated G A clergyman had just enjoyed a hearty chicken dinner at the home of a rural parishioner.Gazing out the window,he remarked:"That rooster seems a mighty proud and happy bird." "He should,"the host replied."His oldest son just entered the ministry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 04:10 PM                        Rated G A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher.The note read:"Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation,the clergyman startled his audience by announcing:"Bill Jones,having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G "A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending,and they should be as close together as possible." --George Burns  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 12:20 PM                        Rated G Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one,our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule.They paid little attention to me,probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband,I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam -- are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A parishioner had undergone a serious operation and was still under the influence of the sedative when the vicar came,so the vicar just said a prayer and left. The next day he returned and asked the patient if he had been aware of his visit."I vaguely remember your visit yesterday. I remember opening my eyes and thinking 'I can't be in Heaven because there is the vicar'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:20 AM                        Rated G Alex During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe,when the Shema prayer was said,half the congregates stood up and half remained sitting.The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down,and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi didn't know what to do.His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was,so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered,"No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked,"Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered,"No,that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man,"The congregates fight all the time,yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted,exclaiming,"THAT is our tradition!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." "What's wrong with that,Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny,"I understand about having goodness and mercy,for God is good.But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 12:17 PM                        Rated G Appropriate Hymns for All Folks The Dentist's Hymn........:.........Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn:...................The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn:.............................Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn:................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn:.................Standing on the Promises Optometrist's Hymn:...............Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn:....................I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn:......................Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn:......................I've Got a Mansion The Massage Therapists Hymn..............He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn:.......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: at 45mph....................God Will Take Care of You at 55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah at 65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee at 75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer at 85mph....................This World Is Not My Home at 95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home Over 100mph.................Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, And pass it on to other folks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 10:06 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."  |  IP: Logged

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