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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-24-2003 10:34 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A zebra died, and he went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, he decided to ask St. Peter a question that had been bothering him for quite some time.
"So, St. Peter, " said the zebra, "am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
St. Peter thought for a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm not sure. Why don't you go ask God?" The zebra goes and gets in the long line of people and animals waiting to ask God a question.
When he finally gets up to God, he says, "God...am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
God thinks for a moment and then replies, "You are what you are."
Confused and disappointed, the zebra went back to St. Peter. Seeing the disappointment on the zebra's face, St. Peter asks,"So, what did God say?"
The zebra replied, "God said, 'You are what you are.' I don't understand."
St. Peter thought for a long time. A happy expression came to his face, and he stated, "you are white with black stripes."
Curious, the zebra asked, "How do you know that?"
St. Peter replied smartly, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-25-2003 07:08 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
A nervous young minister,new to the church,told the flock,"For
my text today,I will take the words,'And they fed five men with
five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said,"That's not much
of a trick.I could do that."
The minister didn't respond.However,the next Sunday he decided to
repeat the text.This time he did it properly:"And they fed five
thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling,
the minister said to the noisy gent,"Could you do that,Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said,"I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 07:43 AM
Rated G
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman,quite downcast,
was trudging home."Where will I get money to buy presents for
the holiday?" he asked himself sadly,thinking of his wife and
children.On the way, he passed a church,in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in,joined,
and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised.That
evening, at supper,he told his family how he had come by his
sudden wealth."And here's the hundred," he announced grandly,
waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife,"you remember that coat you promised me
three years ago?Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars,and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up."Pop,for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts.I already have most of the money,but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter,"next week our school is
having the most important dance of the whole year.If I don't
have a new dress,I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart.How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars,Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned
back and grinned."It never fails," he announced."The minute we
Gentiles have a little money,you Jews take it away from us!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 08:25 AM
Rated G
A Catholic woman,a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven.St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother,I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven.
St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says,"I've been a good woman.I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family,and went to church every Sunday."
St. Peter tells her to step to the left.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter,"I've been a good woman,I made Shabbos every Friday,I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family."
St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him,"Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
St. Peter replies,"Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-30-2003 03:18 PM
Rated G Lorraine
It's 1875 and a Mormon couple moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish
neighbor(Mr. Olson) to help in a plan to convince her.
"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another wife?"
Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said: "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said,
"There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much."
Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I never imagined that God was a Swede!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-01-2003 10:29 AM
Rated G Baby Blues
What Am I
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop
them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before
the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the
small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.
He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the
children at their story time. He said the subject was the
Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk
about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room
and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story
time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart
and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was
to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals
and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things
that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that
they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up
in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to
the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the
shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor
said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to
the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a
shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-06-2003 11:51 AM
Rated G
Eight Year Old Explains God
Written by Danny Dutton,Age 8,Chula Vista,CA, 3rd grade homework assignment:
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes these to put in place of the ones that die so that there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn't make grownups. Just babies.
I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that up to the mothers and fathers.
I think it works out pretty good. God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, as some people, like preachers and things, pray other times besides bedtime.
God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. As He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere. Which keeps Him pretty busy.So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parents head and ask for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God.I don't think there are any in Chula Vista.At least there aren't any who come to our church.Jesus is God's son. He used to do all the hard work,like walking on water and doing miracles and trying to teach people about God who didn't want to learn.
They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind,like His father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything He had done and all His hard work on earth,so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road any more.He could stay in Heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing which things are important to God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God.
Like a secretary,only more important of course.You can pray any time you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.You should go to Sunday School,because it makes God happy,and if there's anybody you want to make happy,it's God.
Don't skip Sunday School to do something you think will be more fun,like going to the beach.That's wrong! and besides,the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.If you don't believe in God,besides being an Atheist,you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you,like camp,but God can.
It's good to know He's around when you're scared of the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown in real deep water by the big kids.But you shouldn't just think of what God can do for you.I figure He put me here and can take me back any time He pleases.And that's why I believe in God.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-07-2003 10:50 AM
Rated G Baby Blues
FORGIVENESS
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest
effort to convert a particularly sly,flirty old mountaineer named Frank,who was locally notorious for his godlessness and women.
But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn,firmly rooted in his quests and courses,so that he resisted the pious in his behalf.
"Frank," the exhorter questioned sadly at last,"ain't you teched by the story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"
"Humph!" Frank retorted contemptuously."Are ya aimin' to tell me
the Lord died to save me,when He ain't never seen me,nor knowed
me?"
"Frank," the missionary explained with fervor,"it was a sight
easier for the Lord to die for ya jest because He never seen ya
than if He knowed ya as well as we-alls do!"
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