Precious MemoriesOne Sunday during church services, a minister announced that, since he had laryngitis, he would not be preaching that day, but would instead say a few words and the congregation then would sing the first hymn that came to mind.

"God," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "How Great Thou Art."

"Roses," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "In the Garden."

"Jesus," whispered the minister.The congregation started singing "Jesus Loves Me."

This one word-one song game continued for several more minutes, until finally the minister said, "Sex."

The congregation fell deathly silent. Many began curiously looking about to see the reaction of others to the minister`s last word.

No one sang anything for a few long seconds.

The Lord is my Shepherd!
That's Relationship!

I shall not want
That's Supply!

He maketh me lie down in green pastures
That's Rest!

He restoreth my soul
That's Healing!

He leadeth me beside the still waters
That's Refreshment!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
That's Guidance!

For His name sake
That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
That's Testing!

I will fear no evil
That's Protection!

For Thou art with me
That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
That's Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
That'sHope!

Thou annointest my head with oil
That's Consecration!

My cup runneth over
That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow all the days of my life
That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
That's Security!

Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt. Exhausted, they stopped at the shores of the Red Sea. Moses stood there, the waves breaking at his feet, contemplating how to get across safely.

Suddenly, someone spotted a long cloud of sand that rose above the horizon. "Pharoe's charioteers are coming after us!" he exclaimed.

At this point, a carpenter approached Moses and said, "I know of a way to get us across the Red Sea safely."

"How?" Moses asked.

"I'll take a crew with me to Lebanon, cut down enough of the trees of Lebanon to make rafts to float us all across the Red Sea."

"And how long will this take?" Moses asked.

"About six months", the carpenter replied.

Moses ignored the day dreaming carpenter.

Another person approached him and said, "Moses, I have THE answer!"

"Speak quickly for the Egyptians are almost upon us."

"Moses, I'm of the new, younger generation. I'm called a Computer Programmer."

"And how long will it take to create an analytical program to help us get across the Red Sea safely?"

"By the time we make a feasibility study, screen all possibilities of crossing the Red Sea safely, select the most logical system design, program it, document all steps in the program, then make 300 photo copies of the system, finally test and debug the program, it will take about nine months to cross the Red Sea."

By this time Moses and his followers could see the cloud of sand, hear the roar of the chariots and the crack of the whips driving the horse teams faster.

Moses strode dejectedly to the breaking waves of the Red Sea, planted his staff in the wet sand and raised his head to heaven. "Oh Lord our God, Please help me cast my staff into the Red Sea, part the waves, create a dry bed beneath the sea for us to flee across to the other shore, and close the waters behind us to drown the
Egyptians who seek to recapture and bring us back to the Pharoe as slaves again."

Just then Moses felt a nudge in his back. It was his Public Relations and Media expert.

A 10-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

One fine day in the garden of Eden, the Lord called to Adam.

"Adam," he said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth. So, to start things off, I want you to kiss her."Adam answered, "All right, Lord, but what is a kiss?"

So the Lord gave a brief description of the process to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and led her behind a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was very enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Good, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a caress, Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description of what to do, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Several minutes later, Adam emerged again, smiling, and said, "Well, Lord, that was even better than the kiss. Now what?"

And the Lord said, "Very well, Adam. Now I want you to make love with Eve." And Adam asked, "And what is 'make love', Lord?"

So the Lord once again gave Adam directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.

Jim arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and sees St.Peter flipping through a large golden book. Jim approaches St. Peter, who looks down at Jim and says, "Well Jim, I've looked through your life story. I can't find anything bad that you ever did, but I can't find anything really good either. I'll tell you what, if you can name one really good thing that you did in your life, I will let you into Heaven."

Jim thinks for a minute and then says, "well, there was this one time when I was driving down a desolate road and off to the side of the road I saw this big group of
punk biker gang guys picking on this young woman. So I pulled over to get a closer look and sure enough there they were, about 20 guys just harassing this poor
chick. Now I don't like it when guys are mean to women, so I got out of my car, grabbed my crow-bar from my trunk and walked over to the punk biker gang. I shouted at the top of my lungs 'You guys better leave this girl alone!' Then this big guy, he must have been the leader, walked up to me. He was huge and ugly, with a chain running from his nose to his ear."

At this point St. Peter was looking very interested and insisted that Jim continue with the story.

"Ok, well anyway," Jim continues on. "The big leader guy looks at me and says 'And what if we don't stop picking on her little man?' I got really pissed at that point and as they all surrounded me I looked at the big guy and replied 'If you don't leave her alone, I'll do this!' And I used my crow bar to rip the chain from the guy's
nose and ear. Yup, I risked my ass just to save some poor chick."

St. Peters was really impressed. "Wow Jim! When did all this happen?"

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out really great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside.

She had get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do.

She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me???" But she was desperate, and thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man and cried out loud....

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?", the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Brooklyn, NY. and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble at my age.

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.

She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom! "

She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther:

Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"

Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"

Esther: "Yes."

The new minister was talking to the oldest parishner in the church.

"I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged parishner.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the New Englander's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the New Englander is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The New Englander replies, "This is great! Just like April in New England. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven.

Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it.

St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?"