Subject: Church Marquee Signs

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"

"Under same management for over 2000 years"

"Soul food served here"

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

A Moment With The Preacher...

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Billy was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. T

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly: "Good morning,Billy."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque.

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink:
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? --

It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position.

A: Facing Bloomingdale's

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eatenin 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says," I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Sigh!) Don't bother, I'll just sit here in the dark; I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'

"Force yourself," she replied.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take 2 steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

One Sunday in a midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked up the little fellow and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A couple of Jewish fellows decide to go to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. One says to the other, "You know there are American Jews, Russian Jews, Spanish Jews, even black Jews, but I have never heard of any Chinese Jews."

The other guy says, "You know, you're right. Let's ask the waitress."

When she comes with a pot of tea, they ask, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

She says, "I dinnay. Weel ask."

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said.

"Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."

And off the nun went.

"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."

"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl.

"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply.

"You may enter" says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor."

He is also permitted to enter.

Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8,000."

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage.

Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descent.

He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:"Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit.

~~ A wee bitty prayer ~

God and The Zodiac

ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... and could you do it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but let's do it my way.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!!

LEO: Yes? Hello God... are you listening to me ?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

These two preachers always ride their bicycles to church every Sunday and every Sunday they when they pass each other they stop and talk.

One Sunday as the one preacher is riding along, he sees the other preacher walking. He asks him, "Where's your bicycle rev?"

"Somebody stole my bicycle; I think it was somebody in my congregation, but I don't know what to do about it."

"Well, here's what you do, rev," the first preacher tells him, "You go into church today, and instead of the sermon you were going to preach, do one on the ten commandments. Then, when you get to the one about "Thou shalt not steal", the person who stole your bicycle will feel guilty and bring it back to you."

The other preacher thinks this is a great idea.

The next Sunday the two preachers pass one another on their bicycles.

They stop to talk to each other."I see you got your bicycle back, rev. Did you do like I said?"

"Yes, I did, but it didn't work out quite like you said."

"Oh, how's that?"