Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

Two Evil Brothers ***

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

Church signs:

1. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY!
Trespassers will be baptized!

2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."

6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire Insurance soon."

16. "A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

THE ETERNAL JEWISH TRUTHS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S TALMUD

* The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole

.* If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

* It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

* If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

* No one looks good in a yarmulke.

* Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

* Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

* Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

* WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

* Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

* Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

* Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

* There's nothing like a good belch.

* Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

* Never pay retail.

* It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.

* No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover

* The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

* And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

* If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

* Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

* Always whisper the names of diseases.

* One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

* If you don't eat, it will kill me.

* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

* The most important word to know in any language is sale

.* Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

* Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

* Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

* Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

* Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

* Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

* The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

* Before you read the menu, read the prices.

* There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

* Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.

* If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

* No meal is complete without leftovers.

* If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

* The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

What a wonderful new meaning for ASAP.

"Always Say A Prayer (A.S.A.P.)"
There's work to do,
deadlines to meet,

you've got no time to spare,
but as you hurry and scurry,
always say a prayer.

In the midst of family chaos,
"quality time" is rare.

Do your best;
let God do the rest:
always say a prayer.

It may seem like your worries
are more than you can bear.

Slow down and take a breather
always say a prayer.

God knows how stressful life is;
He wants to ease our cares,

and He'll respond A.S.A.P.;
Always Say A Prayer!

A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"?

The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"?

The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately".

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"?

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".

The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by
college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold,
with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced,
with wide margins, and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit
reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria
food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was
due and then pulled an all-nighter.

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.'

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."