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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2004 01:02 PM                        Rated PG A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B. With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," says the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most os our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused and a little frustrated, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple: The Cathlic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?" She replied, "they make mountains out of molehills."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2004 09:45 AM                        Rated G Lulu St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-13-2004 02:47 PM                        Rated G A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2004 01:35 PM                        Rated G Andrew In ancient Rome, long before the advent of the Crhistian Bible, Romans would swear to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" by placing their right hands on their testicles. It is from this ritual that we derived the term "testimony."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:43 AM                        Rated G Michele The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Michel, not remembering the names of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their committee for praise. "Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2004 08:32 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora,Ont. Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a preacher with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us,has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet . Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:57 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Q. When should a Moyel retire? A. When he can't cut it anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:44 PM                        Rated G A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2004 09:39 AM                        Rated G New Testament bloopers from Sunday school students: ~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. ~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. ~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." ~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. ~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. ~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. ~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles. ~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. ~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. ~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:27 PM                        Rated G David in the Bronx I had just finished preaching a sermon, and people were lining up to receive Communion. As people moved through the line, I noticed them gazing back at me with tears in their eyes. Was my sermon that moving? I wondered. Had I connected with the congregation at some deep level? But as the number of tearstained faces increased, I began to feel uneasy. After the service, I discovered that the person who had set up for Communion had taken the wrong loaf from the freezer -- I had served jalapeño-pepper bread.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2005 04:46 AM                        Rated G I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving. I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin. I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G Michele I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:37 AM                        Rated PG B.B. You Might Belong To A 'Redneck Synagogue' If . . . People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil. The shofar sounds like a duck call. The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun. The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up. You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky. Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday. A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel- drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". Bris is referred to as "branding". "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling. The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish. You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts. For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear? (with apologies to any of you who are Jewish.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 12:24 PM                        Rated G Sunday School Lessons Bible Lessons A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten,robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so herstudents would catch the drama. Then,she asked the class,"If you saw a person lying on the roadside,all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story ofElijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!" LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked,"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" SUNDAY SCHOOL Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.Then,he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements.They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible;Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.Little Bobby was excited about the task.But,he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice,he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn,he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,"The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:39 PM                        Rated G : Michele I was asked to drive an out-of-town visiting rabbi to the home of our rabbi. When we arrived, our rabbi was occupied with another matter and asked that we wait for him in his study. What does one do while waiting in a rabbi's study? One looks at the books which fill the shelves on every wall. I'm looking over the English titles, and the visiting rabbi is looking over the many Hebrew ones. Suddenly the visiting rabbi pulls a book from the shelf. He opens it, rapidly scanning from page to page. The colour drains from his face. He is now quite pale and agitated. Gradually he calms down, the colour returns to his face. He slowly closes the book, kisses it, and replaces it on the shelf. I didn't say anything. After all, he's a rabbi and (on this occasion) I'm just his chauffeur. But then it happens again. The visitor pulls another book from the shelf. Again he flips the pages furiously. Again he becomes pale and seems upset. And again he regains his composure, kisses the book, and puts it back on the shelf. This time I asked: "Rabbi, what was wrong with that book?" He smiled and replied: "Nothing. Nothing at all. For a moment I thought he had one I didn't have."  |  IP: Logged

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