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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2003 08:44 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont. Stories From Church School 3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.They were readyto discuss the last one.The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.Susie raised her hand,stood tall,and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason sobbed all theway home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.Finally,the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and Iwanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayerfor several evenings at bedtime,she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.Finally,she decided to go solo.I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to theend of the prayer:"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way tochurch service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.Joel giggled,sang,and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk outloud in church.""Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin,5,Ryan 3. The boysbegan to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus weresitting here,He would say,'Let my brother have the first pancake,I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand,and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy,what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table,she turned to theirsix-year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 01:49 PM                        Rated PG Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G At our adult Sunday School class,the teacher asked us to think of everyday ways in which we could practice our religion. The topic of driving courtesy came up first."How do you respond to the driver who rudely cuts you off?" the teacher asked. A woman piped up,"Turn the other fender?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 10:29 PM                        Rated G It was the day after Christmas.The pastor of a church was looking over their Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon,and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant,Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said,"Well,where did you get Him,my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him the first ride in it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2003 08:02 PM                        Rated G B.B. There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property,it will be sold more quickly.I took the St.Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust,put the statue out with the trash. A week later she opened her local paper and read:"Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? Theycalled each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 09:56 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston Ont.Ca A bit of "tongue in cheek" * Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST. * God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. * God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they'reusually NOT my fault. * God, help me to not try to RUN everything.But,if You need some help,please feel free to ASK me! * Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. * God help me to take things more seriously,especially laughter, parties,and dancing. * God give me patience,and I mean right NOW! * Lord help me not be a perfectionist.(Did I spell that correctly?) * God,help me to finish everything I sta * God,help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. * God help me to do only what I can,and trust you for the rest.And would you mind putting that in writing? * Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. * Lord help me be less independent,but let me do it my way. * Lord help me follow established procedures today.On second thought,I'll settle for a few minutes. * Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 06:12 PM                        Rated PG Michele "CHURCH FOOTBALL" - THE OTHER SUNDAY SPORT: --QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. --DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin during worship. --HALF-TIME: The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. --BENCH WARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. --BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back (rest room or water fountain) during the service. --STAYING IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. --TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. --INSTANT REPLAY: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. --SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime". --TRAP: You're called on to pray and are asleep. --END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. --FLEX DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. --HALFBACK OPTION: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. --BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 02:02 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church,to which he replied,"I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church.One,you're 54 years old,and two,you're the pastor!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 11:17 AM                        Rated G Michele I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably,but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well.In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems,"I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said."You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you,it makes me sick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 06:17 AM                        Rated G The Bible tells us to love our neighbors.It also warns us to love our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same people.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2004 06:27 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno Ever wonder about the abbreviation A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way. ************* There's work to do, deadlines to meet; You've got no time to spare, But as you hurry and scurry- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER In the midst of family chaos, "Quality time" is rare. Do your best; let God do the rest- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER. It may seem like your worries Are more than you can bear. Slow down and take a breather- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER God knows how stressful life is; He wants to ease our cares, And He'll respond to all your needs A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER. ******** God bless and have a nice day! In the tiny petal of a tiny flower that grew from a tiny pod, Is the miracle and the mystery Of all creation and God!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 08:54 AM                        Rated G One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one calledloudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 03:41 PM                        Rated G Church Signs 1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH PARKING - FOR PARISHIONERS ONLY!! Trespassers will be baptized! 2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" 3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins." 4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" 5. "In the dark? Follow the Son." 6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." 7. When the restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." 8. "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." 9. "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily." 10. "How will you spend eternity - In "Smoking" or in "Non- smoking?" 11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives" 12. "Come work for the Lord.The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." 13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." 14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." 15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." 16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." 17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain fire insurance soon." 18. CH_ _ CH What's missing?" Good one 19. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up." 20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 09:07 PM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. Ca How many Christians to change a light bulb? Nazarenes: Six (6). One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy. Mormons: Five (5). One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Pentecostals: Ten (10). One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Baptists: At least fifteen (15). One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change, the expense involved, and to decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. Charismatics: Only one (1). Hands are already in the air. Anglicans: Three (3). One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. United Chruch (Methodists): Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Brink a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass around. Roman Catholic: None. Only candles are used. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Amish: What's a light bulb?  |  IP: Logged

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