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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2004 09:03 AM                        Rated G Some Christian One liners To lighten your day! "Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case" Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. He who angers you, controls you! If God is your Copilot - swap seats! Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. We don't change the message, the message changes us. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. "Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2004 10:36 AM                        Rated PG Tom in Poughkeepsie Three wise men are following a star through the desert. The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn. They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger. As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle and in agony yells out, "JESUS CHRIST!" A voice came down from above and said, "That's a good name, I was going to call him Roger."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 01:41 PM                        Rated G During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:02 PM                        Rated G Great Religious Truths 1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-29-2004 01:54 PM                        Rated G Lorraine As pastor of a two-church parish,my husband had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other.He would often find the parking lot of the second church full,and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot. The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church, where he posted a sign: "YOU PARK - YOU PREACH".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-31-2004 10:51 AM                        Rated PG Taoism: Shit happens Hinduism: This shit happened before Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens Buddhism: It is only the illusion of shit happening Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah? Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock: 'Shit happens.' Atheism: There is no such thing as shit Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, and maybe it doesn't Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me? Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you Rastafarian: Smoke that shit  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:08 PM                        Rated G B.B. A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." "And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 01:44 PM                        Rated G A Christian farmer spent the day in the city. In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?" The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:19 AM                        Rated G Michele A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find the Reverend from the Mudville Church who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:09 AM                        Rated G One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class. After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2004 09:33 AM                        Rated PG Upon entering the confessiomal, a youmg woman spilled the beabs, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me...seven times." The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeese them into a glass, then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this clense me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 06:53 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi The elderly priest,speaking to the younger priest said,"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats.It worked like a charm.The front of the church always fills first now.The young priest nodded,and the old priest continued,"And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church,so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.We are packed to the balcony!!" "Thank you,Father,"answered the young priest."I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 11-05-2004 10:56 PM                    Rated PG A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife. There are three main types, explains the saleswoman, the Catholic, the Salvation Army, and the Baptist. Whats the difference?? asks the man. Well, the Catholic supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts the fallen, and the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:18 PM                        Rated G Michele A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the fustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young Preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:41 PM                        Rated G God called down to Moses and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" Moses replied, "Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favor, please give me the good news first." "Moses, the good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people from bondage," God answered. "I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape." "And the bad news?" Moses inquired. "You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement," God replied.  |  IP: Logged

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