Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.

"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said,"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

A clergyman walking down a country lane saw a young man struggling
to load a cartload of hay back onto a cart one windy day.

Noticing that the young man was panting and working at his chore
as fast as he could, he walked up to him and said, "My dear boy,
why don't you take a few moments to rest with me, and then I can
help you load your hay?"

The young man responded, "No, my dad would get really mad at me!"

The clergy said, "Don't be silly, your dad won't mind, and everyone is entitled to a break!"

Again the young man told him that his dad would be upset. Losing
his patience, the clergy said sharply, "Your father must be a real
slave-driver! Tell me where he is and I'm going to give him a
piece of my mind!"

Religous Thoughts

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but
mosquitoes come close.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front
door forever.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't
belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in
conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

16. Peace starts with a smile.

17. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

18. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

19. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

20. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

BIBLICAL SPORT

Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:

Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"

Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"

Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"

Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"

Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"

Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."

Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"

Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"

Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"

THE MINISTER'S NEW DENTURES!

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday,my dentures were hurting a lot.The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and
TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching
TV.

The new arrival asks the man on the couch, "So, is this heaven or hell?"

The man looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and
no apparent way out."

"Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell?"

"Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set."

"I see. So maybe it's heaven?"

"Yeah, but the TV has only one channel."

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good--it's PBS."

"Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for one thing," the other fellow says, sadly. "It's
ALWAYS pledge week."

A Jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains about her heavy headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur.

She turns her head and laughs.

The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

GOING DOWN:

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.(Now that in itself could be the joke - but it's not

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm hadstopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform  the  other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, Ihave sex,  I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start  all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."