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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-07-2002 01:31 PM
Rated G  Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet ona horse,it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another,it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved;the lane he chose in traffic crawled;the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst;and so it went,day after day,year after year. Then,once,it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it
turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that
would do.His heart bounded. There was no choiceto make!And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief. He took the plane. Imagine his horror when,midway in the flight,the plane's engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments. Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis.He pleaded,"I have never in my life made the right choice.Why this should be,I don't know,but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however,I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?" He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below. A heavenly voice came down from the clouds."My son, I can save you,if you have in truth called upon me." "Yes,I called on you," cried Johnson."I called on you,Saint Francis!" "Ah,"said the heavenly voice,"Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi.Which?" 
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-09-2002 04:42 PM
Rated G Baby Blues
PSALM 23 FOR THE CYBER-AGE
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His
commands are user-friendly. His directory guides me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs,for He is my backup. His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever. Amen.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-12-2002 08:50 PM
Rated G Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No
fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are
awesome...enjoy.
Tell the kids I love them.
-God Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God We need to talk.
-God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God I love you and you and you and you and...
-God Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God Follow me.
-God My way is the highway.
-God Need directions?
-God You think it's hot here?
-God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God Don't make me come down there.
-God
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2002 12:45 PM
Rated G The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2002 07:16 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The Perfect Chuch Design!
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2002 08:55 AM
Rated G
In the early 1900s, a simple religious Russian Jew decided that he could no longer stand the Czar's persecution. He would leave Russia to join his son who had settled in Houston, Texas, some twenty years earlier.
The son, who had totally assimilated and was a successful oil man, was thrown into a panic. "Of course, you are welcome, Pa," he cabled, "I will arrange a visa, your tickets and fares. But you must realize that I have a wonderful reputation here as an oil man. When you arrive, you must adapt to American culture or I will be destroyed.
Upon arrival at the train station, the old man, dressed in his long coat and up-brimmed hat, was whisked to a haberdashery, where he was fitted with the latest style fedora and a modern-cut suit. But still, his father looked too Jewish.
"Pa it's not enough. I'll take you to the barber." The first thing that came off was the beard. The son looked on and said, "it's not enough Pa. The peyos, they'll have to go." The barber cut off the right peya.
While the son looked on proudly, his pa was becoming a real American. Then the second. And the old man began to weep.
"Why are you crying, Papa?" the son asked incredulously.
The father, resigned to his fate, simply answered. "I am crying because we lost the Alamo!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2002 04:56 PM
Rated G
"Rabbi," the man said, "Please explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," answers the man.
"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who
is clean washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the
clean man knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man
washes himself.
Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes
himself?"
"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could
be either one."
Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."
The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is this some kind of a joke?"
"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-26-2002 10:11 AM
Rated G
Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.
As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process.
He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."
"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi
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