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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G Sunday School A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated G "How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated G Ten Signs Your In For A Long Sermon 10.There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9.The pews have camper hookups. 8.You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon. 7.The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6.The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5.The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4.When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3.The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2.Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. 1.The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only November!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated X Michele There is a story about a popular young rabbi,who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein,who owns several car dealerships,stands up and announces,"If the rabbi stays I'll provide him with a new sedan every year,and his lovely wife with a mini van,to transport their children!" The congregation sighs,and applauds. Rabinowitz,the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays,I'll double his salary,and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Mrs.Rabinowitz,aged 70,stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays,I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush.The rabbi,blushing,asks,"Mrs. Rabinowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Rabinowitz answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said,'Fuck the rabbi.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:33 PM                        Rated PG :)TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM for Valentine's In The Garden of Eden 10. "You know you're the only one for me!" 9. "Do you come here often?" 8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!" 7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!" 6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!" 5. "Honey, you were made for me!" 4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?" 3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21) 2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!" And the number one pick up line from Adam is: "You're the apple of my eye!" * * I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the "fruit", not "apple," but gee guys, apple is funnier!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2003 07:50 AM                        Rated G The New Pastor The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated G Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Sammy handed in a poor paper. "This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the Rabbi. "It has too many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "One person didn't," replied Little Sammy defensively. "My father helped me a lot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G Louise Minister at a funeral service,"Friends,let us say goodbye to our beloved,departed friend.Let us remember that here lies only the shell-the nut has gone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 11:12 AM                        Rated PG JJ Getting Wet On The Left Copast Miss Bea Miss Bea, the church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married.She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it,filled with water.In the waterfloated,of all things,a condom.Imagine his shock and surprise.Imagine his curiosity!Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.The pastortried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtownlast fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directionsmsaid to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 08:19 AM                        Rated PG .............Baby Blues During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!" The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother." 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Fathers business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was A woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated G Michele I was scolding our pastor for his habit of starting church services late.I mentioned that in my years with the Air Force, when the general scheduled us to take off at 0700 hours, he didn't mean 0705 or 0710. The pastor looked at me and said, "My general outranks your general."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 04:22 PM                        Rated G The Athiest One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings... He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled... He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside... He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world... The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him... Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear... Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed "oh help me god" Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying... The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing.. And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak.. "I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth" The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god... "Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it" God thought for a moment and said... "I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish" The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god.. " Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian" God spoke... "So be it done" Suddenly the sky closed up... The river turned back into its flowing glory... The trees began to sway again... And the bear clapped his paws together and said... "Thank you god for this meal im about to recieve"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 05:23 PM                        Rated G ...........Billy ........ Did you know that Noah had the first Honda automobile? Well it's true for when they left the Ark he said, May we all go in one Accord.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated G The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."  |  IP: Logged

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