|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Religion
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 06-01-2005 04:17 PM
Rated PG...
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
" I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer with a knife. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave syphilis to his own sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all bad like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people. First impressions can be powerful but may not necessarily give you the full picture."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of bustle and apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "As a matter of fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-03-2005 01:19 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk."
The congregation said "Let it walk,
Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!"
The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 06-07-2005 12:57 PM
Rated G...
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-22-2005 03:28 PM
Rated G
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God asked
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT !"
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their lives
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOTOF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-25-2005 11:46 AM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph,but I didn't live in America or England.I lived a modest life,making things out of wood.I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son.I call him my son,but I was more of a Dad to him,he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.I sent my son out to be among the people of the world.He was ridiculed by many,and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters,although
he himself tried to be honest and perfect.My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story.He looks into the old man's eyes and asks,"Father?"
The old man's face brightens;he looks at Jesus,and asks, "Pinocchio?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-25-2005 12:09 PM
Rated G
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-24-2005 04:09 PM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora
VIVE LA DIFFÉRENCE
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-10-2005 12:06 PM
Rated G Faye in Kingston,Ont.CA
Daily prayer:
Please God,put your arms around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth.
Many people will walk in and out of your life.But only true
friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself,use your head;
To handle others,use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once,it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice,it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic