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Author
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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-24-2005 12:55 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-01-2005 07:31 AM
Rated G
FINKELSTEIN & JESUS
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem
when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while,
He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.
So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements
to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later,
when the robe was finished,
Jesus tried it on
and it was a perfect fit !
He asked how much He owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off:
No, no, no, for the Son of God ?
There's no charge !
However, may I ask for a small favor ?
Whenever you give a sermon,
perhaps you could just mention
that your nice new robe
was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "
Jesus readily agreed and as promised,
extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe
whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later,
while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem,
He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop
and noted a huge line of people
waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd
to speak to him
and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him
he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business !
Would you consider a partnership ? "
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
" Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful
and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
Can you guess what it read ??
Lord & Taylor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2005 06:58 PM
Rated PG
Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-15-2005 11:18 AM
Rated G
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said,"Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked,"Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about "Verge n'Mary.''
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Kids In Church 3-year-old, Reese:"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,Harold is His name.Amen."
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Little Boy Praying
A little boy was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.I'm having a real good time like I am."
>**********************************************************
The Last Commandment
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall,and quo "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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Deliver Us From Evil
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
>*****************************************************
Forgive Us Our Trespasses
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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Quiet In Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way tochurch service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?">One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
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The 2 Ushers
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sittingtogether in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
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Moral Lesson
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
**********************************************************
Died And Went To Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?"
**********************************************************
Dinner Blessing
A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table,she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-04-2005 08:17 AM
Rated G
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher came upon a farmer Mending a fence along the roadside. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher pulled over and asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the rapture? It's coming soon," the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, please don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much. If she hears about it she'll wanna go all three days."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-06-2005 01:59 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A recently demised fellow was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, there were rooms for everybody.
He opened the first door, explaining, ``This is the Catholic room,'' and inside the new arrival could see a large group of people kneeling and saying Hail Mary.
The next room was a noisy one--shouts of ``Amen!'' and ``Hallelujah!'' could be heard through the door. ``The Baptist room,'' explained Peter.
The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls. ``Presbyterians,'' Peter said.
When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped the newcomer. ``Shh!'' he said. ``Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don't think anybody else is here.''
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