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Topic: Religion
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-20-2005 10:59 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have
given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,you know.I gave the animals six breasts,so I figured that you needed only half of those,but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden."Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "except for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.All the animals have a mate except me.I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let's see....where did I put the useless boob?"
(Now doesn't this make more sense than that crap about the rib???) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-20-2005 03:03 PM
Rated PG
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a boot one way or the other.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-02-2005 01:49 PM
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.When the son returned,he said,"Papa, I had a great time in Israel.By the way,I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father, "what have I done!"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also
came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."
They explained their problem to the Rabbi.
"Funny you should ask,"said the rabbi."I, too sent my son to Israel,and he also came home a Christian.What is happening to our young people?
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens,
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel... "
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-09-2005 11:12 AM
Rated G B.B.
1 Corinthians 13 for Moms
I can read bedtime stories till the cow jumps over the moon and sing "Ten Little Monkeys" until I want to call the doctor... but if I don't have love,
I'm as annoying as a ringing phone.
I can chase a naked toddler through the house while cooking dinner and listening to voice mail.
I can fix the best cookies and Kool-Aid in the neighborhood and I can tell a sick child's temperature with one touch of my finger... but if I don't have love, I am nothing.
Love is patient while watching and praying by the front window when it's 30 minutes past curfew.
Love is kind when my teen says, "I hate you!"
It does not envy the neighbors' swimming pool or their brand-new mini van, but trusts the Lord to provide every need.
Love does not brag when other parents share their disappointments and insecurities, and love rejoices when other families succeed.
It doesn't boast, even when I've multi-tasked all day long and my husband can't do more than one thing at a time.
Love is not rude when my spouse innocently asks, "What have you done today?"
It does not immediately seek after glory when we see talent in our children, but encourages them to get training and make wise choices.
It is not easily angered, even when my 15-year-old acts like the world revolves around her.
It does not delight in evil (is not self-righteous) when I remind my 17-year-old that he's going 83 in a 55-mph zone, but rejoices in the truth.
Love does not give up hope. It always protects our children's self-esteem and spirit, even while doling out discipline.
It always trusts God to protect our children when we cannot. It always perseveres, through blue nail polish, burps and other bodily functions, rolled eyes and crossed arms, messy rooms and sleepovers.
Love never fails.
But where there are memories of thousands of diaper changes and painful labor(s), they will fade away.
Where there is talking back, it will (eventually) cease. (Please, Lord?)
Where there is a teenager who thinks she knows everything, there will one day be an adult who knows you did your best.
For we know we fail our children, and we pray they don't end up in therapy, but when we get to heaven, our imperfect parenting will disappear. (Thank you, God!)
When we were children, we needed a parent to love and protect us. Now that we're parents ourselves, we have a heavenly Father who adores, shelters us and holds us when we need to cry.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-20-2005 10:43 AM
Rated G
One Sunday morning, an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old biker assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket.
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old biker.
"If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."
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