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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 10:24 AM                        Rated G A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes he did, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:12 AM                        Rated G After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful Bible college student who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2005 11:51 AM                        Rated PG B.B. Two missionaries were walking down the sidewalk when they were confronted by a Baptist minister who stopped in fron of them and angrily declared, "I don't step aside for ministers of false religions!" The missionaries smilled, and said "We do!" as the stepped into the street and walked on. As they continued on their way, they were confronted by a Catholic Priest who greeted them by saying "Good morning you sons of the Devil!" to which they replied, "Good morning, Father!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 11:44 AM                        Rated G Gerry RABBI: Do you mind when your parishioners look at their watches during your sermons? MINISTER: Only when they put them up to their ears to make sure they're working.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 08:02 PM                        Rated G A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2005 09:48 AM                        Rated G Michele Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church. "Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2005 12:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine For a special family-day service, I invited my parents to join me at my church. Unlike theirs, mine uses an overhead projector for the words to new hymns to appear on a screen for the whole congregation to see. All through the singing,and even after,I could see my mom beaming. When I asked her how she liked the service, she answered, "It was wonderful, but my favorite part was the karaoke!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2005 12:23 PM                        Rated G Michele My brother, a clergyman, is often contacted by funeral directors on behalf of bereaved families who have no church connection. On a visit to a grieving widow, he outlined the funeral service and asked if she might like to request a favorite hymn. "Oh, yes," she answered, "could we have 'Bye Bye Sweetie'?". Years of pastoral training and experience helped my brother maintain his decorum. He gently asked the widow where she had heard this "hymn," which, he admitted, was unfamiliar to him. "When I was a little girl," she explained, "I really liked to hear them singing that hymn." A moment's puzzled reflection brought inspiration: the hymn, remembered from childhood, must surely have been "In the Sweet By and By."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:46 PM                        Rated G Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us? "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-12-2005 10:46 AM                        Rated PG... A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking in a very serious voice to another worker: "You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothin' like that before.... Sorta gives a whole new meanin' to the term "Holy Shit...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:14 AM                        Rated G Michele A young minister at Ottawa who had been given a horse by a former parishioner rode the animal home to exhibit him to his father. The old gentleman studied the horse carefully and observed that he seemed very aged and infirm. "Well father," said the son, "I don't think you ought to complain of him even if his is old and feeble. It is a good deal better animal than our Saviour rode into Jerusalem nineteen hundred years ago." "We-l-l-l I don't know, John," replied his father, "I think it's the same animal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say,"Be quiet until you get to your seat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:53 AM                        Rated G Father Michael O'Connor tells of the Sunday after Mass when he was approached by one of his elderly parishioners. "Oh Father, says he, "you'll never know what your homily meant to me. It was just like water to a drowning man!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:37 AM                        Rated G Michele A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre- marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:24 AM                        Rated G The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription." The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?" "Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."  |  IP: Logged

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