my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Religion (Page 27)

This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  ...  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  ...  43  44  45

Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 08:40 AM                        Rated G It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:59 PM                        Rated G Michele A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral,just the committal,because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa.The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way After making several wrong turns,he finally arrived a half-hour late.The hearse was no where in sight,and the workmen were relaxing under a near-by tree,eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-07-2004 01:05 PM                        Rated PG The Internal Revenue sent one of their auditors to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service." "The IRS????" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"  |  IP: Logged Gary Crawford Expert Film Handler Posts: 200 From: Neptune NJ USA Registered: Nov 2003 posted 03-10-2004 02:12 PM                     Light Bulbs Again...Rated G How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:57 PM                        Rated G B.B. A teacher asked his Sunday School Class "Who wrote the Ten Commandments?" No one answered. Not getting any response,the teacher asked little Johnny."John, who wrote the Ten Commandments?" "I dunno",said Johnny , " ... but Cecil B. De Mille directed it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:52 AM                        Rated G Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said... "Oh, $20,000 a week."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2004 04:37 PM                        Rated G A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage?"....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:32 AM                        Rated G A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of when does life begin. "Without any doubt," says the Priest, "life begins at the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg." "No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth, when the baby emerges." "No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kids are out of college, and the dog dies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2004 11:49 AM                        Rated G Comments never heard at church... 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 02:54 PM                        Rated G B.B. A cantor,the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming,bellowing voice:"Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard,"So what did you do with the money?" [ 05-08-2004, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2004 07:59 AM                        Rated G Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department.She ran to the phone,and he heard her place the call. She identified herself,gave the location,and explained the situation. "You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:04 PM                        Rated G My cousin Marc got married in a small church,and I was surprised to see,for the first time,a woman minister. When I returned home that evening,my roommate inquired about the event. "It was beautiful," I responded, "but quite unusual - a woman married him." She looked at me strangely, replying, "And just what, may I ask, did you expect?"  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 05-20-2004 04:56 AM                    Rated G A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2004 01:51 PM                        Rated G I live across the street from a church. When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard so we went looking for it. She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling the dogs name. I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area. The dog's name is Moses  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2004 05:44 AM                        Rated G Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It;s called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  ...  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  ...  43  44  45

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.