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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 07:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? ANSWER: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 07:45 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? ANSWER: Because Noah was standing on the deck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 07:52 PM                        Rated G Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve. He came back within a day and said he had found them. Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?" Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson,they were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 102 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn"t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied,"Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated G Lorraine There was a three-year-old boy who had a tricycle, and he was riding around the block and crashed into a monastery. A monk picked him up and put him in a bed. The boy woke up and heard some praying noises and asked, "What"s that noise?" The monk said, "Can"t tell you, you"re not a monk." So when the boy was seven he got a mountain bike, and he rode around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him in a bed. The boy woke up and heard some praying noises and said, "What is that noise?" The monk said, "Can"t tell you, you"re not a monk." So when the boy was fifteen, he got a motorbike and rode around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him into a bed. The boy woke up and said, "What is that noise?" The monk said, "Can"t tell you, you"re not a monk." So when the boy was twenty-three, he said, "I have to know what that noise is," and he went to monk college for three years and got his monk license. When he was twenty-eight, he got a car and drove around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him into a bed. The boy woke up and heard that praying noise and said, "What is that noise?" The monk said, "Can"t tell you, you"re not a monk." Then the boy pulled out his monk license and showed it to the monk. The monk said, "Come this way." So the boy followed him, and he went threw a wooden door, then a silver door, then a golden door and can you guess what he heard? Can"t tell you, you"re not a monk!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine SIGN ON A CHURCH BULLETIN BOARD: Planning to go to Heaven? Get your flight training here.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:17 AM                        Rated G Lorraine TEN THINGS NEVER HEARD IN A CHURCH: 10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store,but then discovered he didn't have any money with him"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk,"but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons." "Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin: This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit. Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 11:20 AM                        Rated G What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper? Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Hymns for all The Dentist's Hymn:............Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn:.............The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn:.............Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn:.............There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn:.........Standing on the Promises Optometrist's Hymn:............Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn:..........I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn:.............Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn:........Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn:............Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's hymn:.....I've Got a Mansion,Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn:.............The Great Physician  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated G Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner. When the little girls still failed to appear to Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: 'The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian Church!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 09:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving,and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous. One day a friend said:"We can't understand it.You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give." "That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into God's bin,and God keeps shoveling back into mine,and God has the bigger shovel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated G Lorraine They have all sorts of new services today. Now they've got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir. The Rev. Thomas Brantley Winstead, 1875—1956  |  IP: Logged

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