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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 05:56 PM                        RATED G A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing.The pastor was highly gratified and told him,"How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well,Preacher," said the fisherman,"it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 05:57 PM                        Rated G A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New York City where they have been put through hell all thie lives, They will now have eternal peace with their loved ones. [ 07-01-2003, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 04:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Last night I dreamed my life was done,and heaven's gates flung wide. And with kindly grace, an angel ushered me inside. And there stood those I'd shunned or judged unworthy or unclean. Indignant words rose to my lips,but never were set free,On every face showed stunned surprise:no one expected me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 04:57 AM                        Will post shortly  |  IP: Logged Rachel Craven Madam Moderator Posts: 2190 From: Pensacola, FL Registered: Dec 2000 posted 07-02-2003 12:25 PM                     Rated G A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.. At 9 PM he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night.."  |  IP: Logged Sean M. Grimes Expert Film Handler Posts: 247 From: Lunenburg, MA Registered: Apr 2000 posted 07-04-2003 11:18 PM                        Rated G Quasimodo died and the bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews for the new bell ringer personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But ...you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop... .... But he's a dead ringer for his brother."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy,a pastor's son, replied:"That's nothin'.My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed."How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 12:45 PM                        Rated G BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 04:36 PM                        Rated G Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked her cousin, a woman who had lived a riotous, free life, into joining the Temple. "Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin will have her sins forgiven after all those years?" "Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater the number of sins, the greater theglory." "Really Rabbi?" the old lady replied thoughtfully. "I sure do wish I'd known that fifty years ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 05:20 PM                        Rated X The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!" The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have been a slave to the demon alcohol!" The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!" Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!" The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!" The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G Ten Things You’ll Probably Never Hear in Church 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:11 PM                        Rated G Janine Noah should have swatted both of the flies when he had the chance.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:07 AM                        Rated G Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person."However,if you're over 65," he said,"the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation,a woman's voice rang out,"Do you really think I'd give you 'that information' for only 50 cents?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 03:02 AM                        Rated G The entire congregation came out to hear the preacher's first sermon. It lasted for a mere eight minutes. The next Sunday,the preacher's sermon was forty-five minutes. His third sermon was two and a half hours in duration. The pulpit committee called the preacher in and asked,"What's happening here?" The preacher replied,"Well, on the first Sunday all of my teeth had just been pulled.My mouth was sore,so my sermon was short. The next week,I had my new dentures and I was feeling fine." The committee leader said,"But,your third sermon was two and a half hours long!" "Oh, yes," the preacher responded."The third week,I picked up my wife's dentures by mistake and I couldn't stop talking!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 08:55 AM                        Rated G Michele My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church.We gave our presentation to the church committee,and then the group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down. After a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone,"The Lord tells me we should wait." My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down himself.Then he returned to the group,looked at the chairman, and declared,"He wants to talk with you again."  |  IP: Logged

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