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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 10:17 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 09:41 AM                        Rated G The minister dies and the congregation decides,after some time, that his widow,should marry again.Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, sheaccepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife,"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex." They do it and then on Saturday he tells her,"According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the sabbath. There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on sabbath night." Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a christian man always starts the sabbath by having sex. So lets do it." Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?" "Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G Bruce Actual Personals From Jewish Newspapers Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:03 PM                        Rated G Frank in Oregon In the bible water was turned into wine once and it is considered a miracle. I turn wine into water everyday,and it's considered being drunk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Becky A grandfather was walking through his yard when he heard his granddaugther repeating the alphabet in a tone of voice that sounded like a prayer. He asked her what she was doing. The little girl explained: "I'm praying,but I can"t think of exactly the right words,so I'm just saying all the letters,and God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking." [ 06-16-2003, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2003 06:51 AM                        Raed G During the minister's prayer one Sunday,there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.Gary's father was horrified.He pinched him into silence,and after church asked:"Gary,whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly:"I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Many hotel rooms have a copy of the Gideon Bible as a comfort to travellers and it was natural for the evangelist to reach for it and thumb through a few pages before going downstairs for a nightcap before retiring. He soon engaged the barmaid in conversation and was still chatting her up at closing time when she even agreed to come to his room where, after another drink, they adjourned to the bed. "Should we be doing this?" she giggled as she undressed. "after all, you are a man of the cloth." "I assure you it is alright. It is written in the Bible," he said. The woman replied, "Show me the passage where it says that." The evangalist picked up the Bible and turned to the fly-leaf to show her the handwritten note: "The barmaid downstairs is a certainty."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:41 PM                        Rated G Michele Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally,they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it. "Come back tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we'll talk." The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution. "Toss a coin," he said to one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to the other. "The one who wins the toss,divides the land." "That's no solution," said one of the brothers. "We're right back where we started from." "Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides the land;but the other gets first choice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Question: Why did Noah take four gnus on the ark? Answer:Because he had good gnus and bad gnus.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G We were celebrating the 100 anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the alter for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" The was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 11:29 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (incorrect spelling has been left in). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand till and he obeyed him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated G Louise "Someone has said that there are only two kinds f people in the world----There are those who wake up in the morning and say,Good Morning Lord," there are those who wake up in the morning and say,Good Lord it's morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 07:13 PM                        Rated G For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated G Alex A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage!?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 05:48 PM                        [b]Rated G A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson.She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.When they were coming out of the church,the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well,"said the little girl,"I was going to give the dollar,but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.  |  IP: Logged

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