my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Religion (Page 19)

This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  ...  43  44  45

Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "except my uncle. He's very sick." "Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick." Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked. Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 08:52 AM                        Rated G Louise Ready for Lent? John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."  |  IP: Logged Mathew Molloy Master Film Handler Posts: 357 From: The Santa Cruz Mountains Registered: Nov 2000 posted 03-18-2003 11:44 AM                     Rated PG CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.  |  IP: Logged Mathew Molloy Master Film Handler Posts: 357 From: The Santa Cruz Mountains Registered: Nov 2000 posted 03-18-2003 11:48 AM                     Rated G CHILDREN WRITE LETTERS TO GOD Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does ’begat’ mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison. Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? -Marsha Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That’s what I would do. -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know, but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles Dear GOD, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop". One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it...................... It's now seven days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb.The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation." Reverend Billy Bob speaks next.He's in a wheel chair,with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims,"WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick.So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul.An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb.We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word." They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says:"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy creatures."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:04 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2003 05:52 PM                        Rated G Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why, Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door They're hushers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 06:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One day the zoo keeper noticed that the Chimpanzee was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the Chimpanzee,"Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the Chimp monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of: "When does life begin." "Without any doubt" says the Priest, "Life begins at the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg." "No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth, when the baby emerges." "No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kid is out of college, and the dog dies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G Signs seen near church The following are actual signs found on church property. "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!" A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright." "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives" "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children." "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R) "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "In the dark? Follow the Son." "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up." "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 05:10 PM                        Rated G Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?" His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question. He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish,my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't listening.) Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?" "To answer that, we have only to ask the question,"Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 11:42 AM                        Rated G Michele In a lot of Southern towns,the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks of life.For example,sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal.It seems they felt it might lead to dancing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated G Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked,"Who was the first man?" "If it's all the same to you sir," replied the embarrasses coed, "I'd rather not tell."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 04:18 PM                        Rated G TRADITION During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregates stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man,"Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered,"No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked,"Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man,"The congregates fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 06:09 AM                        Rated G Preaching It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs.....AMEN... BROTHER! When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again....PREACH IT REVEREND! And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed,RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT IS..... AMEN! But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 45 pages: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  ...  43  44  45

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.