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Author Topic: Religion Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 01:36 PM                        Rated G A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, 'I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.' The children nodded eagerly. 'This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)...' No hands went up. 'And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)...' The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. 'And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)...' Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. 'Well...,' said the boy, 'I *know* the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 09:02 PM                        Rated G A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, 'I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.' The children nodded eagerly. 'This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)...' No hands went up. 'And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)...' The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. 'And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)...' Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. 'Well...,' said the boy, 'I *know* the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 09:04 PM                        Rated G A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 07:49 AM                        Rated G The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2002 10:05 PM                        Rated G :)Lorraine The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One man was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway to the stable, "Jesus Christ" he shouted. "Joseph, write that down," said Mary, "it's better than Clyde!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 08:01 AM                        Rated G The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer.So,the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown."Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer,"didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right,"replied Deacon Brown. "However,you sent us some golf pencils each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:27 AM                        Rated G Which stretches farther, a rubber band or skin? Well according to the Bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked several miles into the dessert, so I'd say skin does.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:30 AM                        Rated G Pat Many of you are familiar with the childhood prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep," but I was little surprised to learn that it is a shortened version of an Old English prayer, which goes like this: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, bless the bed that I lie on. Before I lay me down to sleep, I give my soul to Christ to keep. Four corners to my bed, four angels there aspread, two to foot, and two to head, and two to carry me when I'm dead. I go by sea, I go by land, the Lord made me by his right hand. If any danger comes to me, Sweet Jesus Christ, deliver me. He's the branch, and I'm the flower, pray God send me a happy hour. And if I die before I wake, I pray that Christ my soul will take.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:15 AM                        Rated PG Delivered into temptation ! A pastor known for his hell-fire-and-brimstone sermons was preaching one Sunday morning.During the course of his sermon,he looked up to the choir loft and saw a woman standing so close to the rail that he could see up her skirt.In shock,he announces to the congregation, "There is a woman in the choir loft standing so close to the railing that you can see up her skirt.Anyone who turns around and looks will go blind." An old man in the front pew covers one eye, turns around and says, "I'll risk one eye!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2002 10:51 AM                        Rated PG For those of us who have trouble understanding the King James Version... 1. I'm God. Don't play me. (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me) 2.Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me. (Thou shalt not have any graven images) 3. Don't be callin' me for no reason. (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain) 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday. (Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy) 5. Don't dis or cuss out yo' momma....and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him either. (Honor thy father and mother) 6. Don't be goin' on no drive by's. (Thou shalt not kill) 7 Stick to ya' own Boo (Thou shalt not commit adultery) 8. Don't be borrowing stuff and not give it back. (Thou shalt not steal) 9. Don't be snitchin on the other man to save yourself.. (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother) 10. Don't be eyein' your homie's crib, ride or woman. (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 09:15 AM                        Rated G While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi,the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking forthe key."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 09:49 AM                        Rated G A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister stepped into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 05:34 PM                        Rated G After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 12:27 PM                        Rated G A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 09:09 PM                        Rated G GOD said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" And God explained it to him. He then said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" And God explained it to him. Then he told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. Adam then went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave,and he found the woman. In about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"  |  IP: Logged

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