THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL

One afternoon at Mt.Zion Hebrew School,Chaim Goldberg,the new instructor,finished the day's lesson.

It was now time for the usual question and answer period.

"Mr. Goldberg,"announced little Joel,"there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joel?" asked Goldberg, with a kindly smile.

"Well accordin'to the Scriptures,the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea.Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,right?"

"Of course right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right, Joel... Where is this going?"

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of
Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin'
somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldberg."So, what's your question,
already?"

"Well, what I really wanna know is this," demanded Joel. "While the
children were doing all these wonderful things,where were all the
grown-ups"?

Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, whenhe came face to face with a rival Rabbi.

The street was too narrow for the two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily:
. . . "I never make way for fools "

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, theywere ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned forthem to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indicationthat he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his manylong, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avariciousbehavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

MOSES AND HIS COMPUTER ...a dialogue between Moses and you know who!

Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?""That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain.

You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er --plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even
before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi
called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to
having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved
punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen
and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your
shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind
yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly,
had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other
seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely.
Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your
shoes."

A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those

who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward.

The man had really been taken by the sermon and cameforward to shake hands with Graham.

When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music,and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?"

The man replied, "The Lord did!"

"AMEN" shouted the congregation.

"My good man, who put food on your table?"

"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.

"AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.

"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?"

"Reverend, it was the Lord!"

"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.

Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and
as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

Just then, a man checked out. The woman then exclaimed, "Good, now you have a room."

"Sorry",the man behind the counter replied,"this hotel is restricted."

"And what does that mean?" she asked him. "Jews aren't allowed
here!"

"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.

"I know you are!"

"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.

"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did God have a son?"

"Sure."

"What was his name?"

"Jesus."

"And where was he born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a stable."

"And WHY was he born there?"

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

Kevin was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and save the Israelites."

"Now, Keviin, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.

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Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
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What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
The "Plaintiff."

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How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
"Your Mother pays retail."

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When it graduates from medical school.

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long and beautiful?
Nothing, she does nothing at all.

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Define "Genius".
A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

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What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
Genghis Cohen.

For $250,000
Why did the Moyel retire?
He just couldn't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian
Grandmother?
10 lbs

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."

It was the first Sunday School class since the summer break. The
preschool class was edgy. The teacher started by asking all the little ones, "Who wants to go to heaven, and live with Jesus?"

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat did you do with the money?"

You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart....

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven? I asked the children from my Sunday school class.

"NO!" All the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the lawn, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well", I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"