MONEY TALKS

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the doctor, "Please kiss me!"

The doctor says, no.

She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

The doctor says, no.

Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small dick.

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front
porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me,
oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going

to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever

hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged

Cross".

The pastor hollered out "Grace."

The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!"

The pastor said "Power."

The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood!"

The Pastor said "Sex."

The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other

afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi,asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.

"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor.

Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?

Satan Arrives

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this response and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold.

So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works.

The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs.

He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs.

She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?''

"Yes," her mom says.

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St. Peter and God talking.

God says, "St. Peter, how are things going on Earth?"

St. Peter answers, "Not too good. Some of the people are engaging in oral sex."

God says, "Oh no, St. Peter, not oral sex. That's terrible! We have to do something."

St. Peter says, "I know. We'll give an award to people who don't engage in oral sex. We'll have to make it something very special, like something personal. Like a medal, yeah, a medal with God's signature! Everybody will want a medal with God's signature. And to make it extra special, we'll put a little something personal on it."

What Religion is your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Top 9 New Religions for the 21st Century

9 "Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements"
(The Cult of Saint Pamela)

8 X-TREME RELIGION!!!

7 Joe-piscopal

6 Star Trek - The Next Denomination

5 Leonardo DiCatholic

4 Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

3 Harry Caray-Ishna

2 Crystal Methodist

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St Francis on the subject of lawns:

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are those green rectangles.

ST FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: Those Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about......